JayFC's toxic review of the week

SO WE'RE now in week 4 of the A-League. Its at this point of the season where half the sides have already conceded the title race, and JayFC is still doing this toxic review of the week.

Your team’s coach has made several panicked phone calls trying to rid its foreign import who is “having trouble acclimatising”. And you’re personally coming to terms with the fact that your fantasy football team has already been written off as a wreck, with not even the use of the wildcard being able to salvage it. Nonetheless, the A-League is still going strong and pumping out its trademark drama that we’ve all come accustomed to.

First Sacking Odds: Farina $1.20
Well after Wanderers derby success on Saturday, Farina has emerged as the frontrunner to win the coveted sack race, with Sydney fans just moments away from burning effigies of his likeness. The fans main concern is with Farina’s inability to resolve their defensive woes, as their backline has been performing like a bunch of chromosome-challenged comatose grifters, lampooning about like they’re having withdrawal symptoms from smack. It’s surprising that the Sydney faithful are so hostile to Frank’s incompetence. Considering how they’ve been presented with mediocrity again and again, you’d think they’d be desensitised to it by now. But nope. The fans want another coach to disappoint them. This brings up the question, is it too early for these sacking calls to be made? Should coaches be given more of a chance? And the answer is a resounding ‘no’, it’s never too early for these calls. In fact, I’ve already registered sackmarkrudan.com in anticipation of Sydney’s next inevitable coaching failure.

The Drought
The only other rival for the sack race is Gary van Egmond, who, when he isnt busy getting caught perving on young women’s behinds on national television, is busy embarrassing the Jets franchise with his asinine tactics on national television. The monkey on the back is getting heavier and heavier for the Jets, as they have still failed to score in this season’s campaign. Yes, Newcastle is currently having a lot of trouble comprehending the purpose of what the goal nets are for and it's starting to get the locals restless. But don’t feel too bad, Jets fans, as David Zdrilic went 1707 minutes without a goal before being booted by Sydney. Hell, it took Danny Vukovic aeons to get off the mark, too. Just a little perspective for you.

Polenz 1 Garcia 0
Sydney FC’s Richard Garcia is likely to be out of this Saturday’s clash with Perth Glory, with the striker suffering third degree burns on Twitter last night. After Richard posted a photo of his beautifully waxed calves, tainted with studmarks, with the caption “Just a freekick”, Jerome Polenz responded by simply posting a picture of a child crying, to the rapturous applause of onlookers. Sorry Richard, but you got served by a guy who wears a headband. I think you need to do a bit of soul-searching right now. I mean, this guy just castrated you in a realm where you’re restricted to 140 characters. How is this even possible? And your response was as cringeworthy as Sydney’s performance on Saturday night. Seriously, you responded to this with passive aggressiveness? I would say maybe you should let your football do the talking but your football is as bad as your rebuttals. Two words, Richard: log Off.

Gallas to Perth
So after many pre-season rumours, the walking drama-bomb known as William Gallas has finally ended up in the A-League, signing a one year deal with Perth. Gallas will become Glory’s marquee player, as they couldn’t fit all of his ego inside the salary cap. It's so nice to have a marquee player here who you’d dont need the help of Google to know of his existence. There was a time where we said with a straight face that the quality of Edmundo Zura and Ricardinho were marquee-worthy. But why is Australia suddenly capable of bringing these players in? This is a league that has blessed the talents of Naum Sekulovski, Kristian “deadball specialist” Sarkies and Adam Kwasnik with multiple year contracts. Now we’ve got players like Shinji Ono, who on Saturday, made the Sydney defence look like the Washington Generals, by scoring via an improvised bicycle kick that he set up himself. If any of our local products tried to perform such a feet, they’d probably dislocate their spine, or at the very least, perform a manoeuvre that gets them written out of their family will.

Fergie throws Bozza under the bus
It appears Alex Ferguson has hit struggle street since entering retirement and has sought to profiteer off Mark Bosnich’s good name by spreading scandalous lies about him. Yes, in Alex Ferguson’s newly released autobiography, the former Red Devils boss had the nerve to tarnished Mark Bosnich’s legacy by calling Australia’s finest export a “terrible professional”. The smugfaced Scotsman also went on to sprout his disapproval at Bozza’s excessive dietary lifestyle, pointing out that he turned up to his first training session overweight and three hours late. What petulance. This is like seeing Cindy Crawford’s beautiful body and critiquing the mole above her lip. Bozza’s “professionalism” is not something to slander, but rather, something to marvel upon. Knowing that he performed at the exceptional level that he did, with extra kilos and lesser training time. You can only applaud that! What else does this deranged Scot complain about? That he has to tilt his head upwards to see a stunning sunrise? That ice cream tastes good, but is cold? Boycott this book.

Fattest A-League XI
Now all this talk of that fat bastard Bozza has got me thinking. What is the A-League’s fattest side of all time? Australia is the fattest country in the world, something we can proudly boast about from the rooftops, (if those rooftops can actually support our weight). When you sit on a Qantas plane, most of your seat is preoccupied by another man’s stomach fat and that’s Australia, mate. Love it or leave it. The A-League has had no qualms in welcoming the big-boned into its competition and today, we satisfy the thirst of all you chubby chasers out there by naming the A-League’s fattest XI. These are the elite few who have offered an endless supply of punchlines thanks to their ever expanding waistline, with the following list having more spare tyres than Bob Jane and a calorie count of over 9000. So let's honour the widest of wide loads the a-league has had to offer:

Daniel Beltrame (c)
Stephen Laybutt – Neill Emblen – Bob Malcolm
Andy Vlahos – Charlie Miller – Luka Glavas – Carlos Hernandez (Victory era)
Ney Fabiano – Mario Jardel – Ricky Diaco