Arsenal to lure Manchester United star Rooney with enormous bun

Arsenal’s hopes of landing Wayne Rooney received a boost today, as the North London club unveiled an enormous cinnamon bun, which club officials believe will be the key to securing the services of the unsettled Manchester United striker.

The bun, which was baked in a specially-constructed boulangerie in Hertfordshire by a team of hearty piemen, weighs nearly 300kg and is studded with over 10,000 raisins. Glazed with honey and sprinkled with organic icing sugar, it is believed to be the largest bun of its kind outside of North America.

“The fact that we were able to produce a bun of such proportions demonstrates this club’s ambition,” a floury Arsène Wenger told journalists.

“But a bun is only the start. Players will look at this bun and imagine what we could do with a gateau. A stadium-sized macaroon. A croquembouche the size of Heaven. Madeleines larger than time itself. Enemies will gaze upon our punschkrapfen and despair.”

Wenger did not mention Rooney by name, and refused to comment on reports that the bun would be hoisted daily outside the 27-year old’s home in an attempt to lure him to the Emirates.

“We have a number of transfer targets, and it would not be appropriate for me to comment on individuals,” he said.

“But anyone thinking of coming to Arsenal should bear in mind that our training ground is located next to England’s biggest treacle mine, while David Moyes is famous for feeding his players celery smoothies and coaldust.”

Meanwhile, the enormous bun came second in Islington’s annual baking contest, behind a pie shaped like the Duchess of Cambridge, meaning Arsenal’s eight-year wait for a trophy continues.

Words: John Foster

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