Joe Allen goal was deemed less likely than an earthquake, Back of the Net reports...
Arsene Wenger has admitted that a goal from Joe Allen was the one eventuality his scouts hadn’t bothered to include in their 200-page pre-game dossier on Liverpool.
Arsenal’s staff are renowned for their meticulous reports on opponents and they turned over a weighty tome to manager Wenger on Monday morning, analysing Liverpool’s squad and all possible threats they posed.
The Gunners scouts then proceeded to detail a number of less likely outcomes, including a volcanic eruption, a dumper truck of soup shedding its load on the playing surface and an irate bear invading the pitch.
The Gunners scouts then proceeded to detail a number of less likely outcomes, including a volcanic eruption
However, within the thorough document there was not a single reference to Joe Allen – the man who would eventually rescue a last-gasp point for Liverpool.
“I was disappointed that we spent so much of the week sourcing seismographs and measuring tremors, learning how to make improvised croutons and attaching bear bells to our shoelaces,” Wenger admitted to FFT.
“But I have the utmost faith in my scouting team, and to be fair to them there’s a limit to what they can prepare us for.
“Like pretty much anyone else they hadn’t given Joe Allen a thought for some time. To my mind it would’ve been a waste of a Google search to have tried to work out whether you still get him – time that could have been spent working out whether there was a chance Ian Rush could come out of retirement and nod one in.”
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“When I saw Joe Allen on the pitch my heart sank,” an Arsenal scout told FFT.
“Not because it was Joe Allen, but because I presumed one of the ball boys had been allowed to play, which I only devoted two or three lines to in the report.
“If anything I was relieved when it turned out it was Joe Allen. That’s force majeure, like the outbreak of World War III, which I produced a decent strategy for on page 178.”
Please note: This satirical news story is not real. But you knew that already, right?
