BotN: Brighton inadvertently sign former England keeper Chris Woods

Seagulls stupidly sign seasoned shot-stopper, so says Sack...errrm...Back of the Net's Paul Watson...

Brighton boss Gus Poyet has admitted his ‘crushing disappointment’ at completing the signature of 53-year-old former goalkeeper Chris Woods, despite the newcomer’s jubilant presentation to the press yesterday.

The Seagulls’ boss had been hinting at a permanent move for New Zealand striker Chris Wood, who scored two goals in a 2-2 draw with Millwall last night while on loan from West Brom.

But to Poyet’s horror, he appears to have instead snapped up ex-England nearly man and affable former custodian Chris Woods, nearly 14 years after his retirement from the game.

“I can’t deny it’s a bitter, crushing blow for me,” Poyet told FourFourTwo, tactically avoiding Woods’ gaze at a press conference to mark the new man’s accidental unveiling. 

“I had been dreaming of adding a gifted goal-getter to my overachieving Championship squad, but instead I have, errr, given a second youth to a charming yet hapless face from the past.”

Apparently unfazed by Poyet then describing the ‘wave of nausea’ that accompanied his arrival in Brighton, or the ‘deluded, simple grin’ on his ‘wrinkled yet handsome face’, Woods then spoke of his delight at getting the call from Brighton.

“Obviously you start to think that your career is over,” Woods beamed. “But that’s life for a ‘keeper, you have to expect the odd tough decade.”

The ex-Sheffield Wednesday man then stressed his belief that an England recall is imminent, spending several minutes revelling in the retirement of Peter Shilton who he labelled a ‘flash in the pan’.

Woods spent much of his career in Shilton’s shadow, figuratively as Shilton’s reserve at Nottingham Forest and for England, and literally as Woods famously walked just a little slower than Shilton, leading him to suffer intermittently from bouts of rickets. 

Editor's note: this is satire and not a serious accusation - all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

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