BotN: 'Now a great time for fans to panic', says Gerrard

The Anfield faithful are being advised not to stay calm, as Back of the Net's John Foster explains...

Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard has spoken directly to fans concerned about the club’s slow start to the season, in an effort to reassure them that now is indeed the ideal time to panic.

“I’m experienced enough to have been in this situation before, and I can tell you, nobody has a clue about what to do,” Gerrard told FourFourTwo.com.

“It would be very easy for me to stand here and make excuses and pretend everything’s fine, but I think the fans are intelligent enough to know that we’re deep in the brown stuff.

“If I were in their shoes, I’d be losing it a bit,” he continued.

"PANIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCC!!!"

Gerrard’s words were echoed by new manager Brendan Rodgers, who used last Sunday’s programme notes to call on all Liverpool fans to have a panic-induced breakdown at the first sign of something going wrong.

“We’re at the start of a rebuilding process that will take time,” Rodgers cautioned. “A lot of time. More time than we have, in all likelihood. If we don’t get three points at Norwich, then to be perfectly honest I think this football club is finished as an institution.”

The Liverpool hero also expressed his sympathy with young teammate Jonjo Shelvey, following his red card against Manchester United for a dangerous tackle.

“Jonjo got a bit overenthusiastic, he had a rush of blood, and he’s lost control,” said Gerrard. “In other words, he’s panicked, and that’s exactly the kind of reckless, unthinking fear we need more of right now.”

Meanwhile, Liverpool owner John Henry has backed the team’s new panic-stricken direction, pledging to spend upwards of £60 million pounds on new signings in the January transfer window, regardless of their age, suitability, or talent, taking to Twitter last night to tell fans, “We’re doomed.”

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation and all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

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