BotN: Rodallega solemnly informs new teammates of his proficiency at cunnilingus

A new man has arrived at Craven Cottage, and, as Back of the Net's John Foster reports, he has skills to pay the bills. Not that you could pay bills that way. Unless... 

Fulham summer signing Hugo Rodallega has introduced himself to his new teammates by describing in minute detail his technique for performing oral sex on a woman, according to reports from Craven Cottage.

“We were a little taken aback,” admitted Norwegian defender Brede Hangeland. “The gaffer had just said a few words about how pleased he was to have Hugo on board, and he asked Hugo if he wanted to say anything, and Hugo just stood up and said with a very serious expression that he was excellent at cunnilingus.”

“I think he must have taken our silence for confusion, because he spent the next twenty minutes telling us about cunnilingus and how he thinks it should be done.”

According to Hangeland, Rodallega emphasised the importance of appropriate music to set the mood, such as Get Ready by The Temptations, perhaps accompanied by a sexy dance. This should be followed by something more sensual, like Angel by Massive Attack, or Sex Room by Ludicris, for the cunnilingus itself.

"Praise you, oh mighty Hugo, for your divine teachings!"

“I like to have a firm, but not over-firm, grasp of her buttocks, and I like to let her know that I find her scent is enticing, by making appreciative noises,” Rodellaga reportedly told his new colleagues, who listened in increasing discomfort as the ex-Wigan man discussed “stamina exercises for the tongue” that they could perform while engaged in other tasks, such as cooking, reading, or playing football.

Rodallega’s former Wigan teammate Ben Watson confirmed to FourFourTwo.com that the Colombian’s preoccupation with cunnilingus is nothing new.

“I’ve never met any of Hugo’s girlfriends,” Watson remarked, “But if he’s half as good at performing cunnilingus as he is at scoring goals then he’d be, well, reasonably good at cunnilingus, I suppose.”

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation and all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

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