Spurs keeper and all-round Premier League legend Brad Friedel answers FourFourTwo's inane ramblings back in July 2008.
Afternoon, Brad. How's it going?
Good, thanks. I'm on the M61 driving home from training. It's an hour-and-a-quarter drive, but it's good quiet time.
You're not listening to Slipknot, like berserk fellow US custodian Marcus Hahnemann would, are you?
Nah. I listen to audio books. I've got The Kite Runner and A Thousand Splendid Suns at the moment, they're great.
Cultural. What do you think of Boris Johnson, then?
I didn't really follow the mayoral elections, but I can see he's a bit off the wall.
We've elected someone just because they're a bit of a laugh.
Well, that can turn out OK.
True. Look at Ronald Reagan. You elected him for a laugh.
Sometimes you elect someone you think is going to be perfect, and it doesn't work out. Then you vote someone in as a joke, and it turns out fine. Hopefully that can happen with Boris. I'm not going to say anything negative.
You're at the wheel now, but have you ever driven a Chevy to the Levee?
I've driven a Chevy. But never to a levee. I don't know what a levee is to be honest.
Neither do we. Are you a good recycler?
Yeah, we're properly into it. I know all the different bins and everything.
Good man! Who's your 'Fantasy Uncle', Brad?
Er…ah…can I say Halle Berry?
No. She can be your Fantasy Aunt, if you must change the rules. We usually demand an uncle, someone who comes round at Christmas.
How about Mike Ashley?
Fair enough. If you had to have a British accent, which one would you go for?
Oooh...definitely not Scouse, that gets a bit too much. Not Cockney, they're full of themselves. Not Brummie, that gets hard to listen to. I'd go for Geordie. They always seem to be having a good time.
Why aye pet man! What's the best thing you made in woodwork as a kid?
Nothing that was any good. I made a cheeseboard, but it was rubbish.
Did your mum pretend that it was great, and use it anyway for guests?
She put it in the bin.
Harsh, Mrs Friedel. What's the most baffling English tradition?
It's not a tradition, but there is so much flipping chewing gum stuck to the streets. It's does my head in. Why can't you just put it in a bin?
We can't be bothered. Sorry. OK: imagine a fight to the death between you Kasey Keller, Marcus Hahnemann and Tim Howard. Who'd win?
Why would we fight to the death?
Just suspend belief and get into the scenario. Who do you stab first?
[Laughing] No. I don't want to answer that.
What if it was a 'King of the Ring' wresting tournament? No killings.
Oh...I guess Marcus would win that. He's a strong boy.
More violence: if you were murdered, which fictional detective would you like to investigate the case?
I'd go for the CSI: Las Vegas team. I love that show. They'd do a great job.
You're one of the very few people not to say Columbo.
I've never seen Columbo.
Shocking! If you had a TARDIS, which era would you go back to?
That's a good one. The Wild West. I like the idea of the gambling and saloons and all that. I wouldn't touch the guns though, I'm not into that.
Your not an M16-toting lunatic like Hahnemann, then?
Hey, he's not a lunatic. That's just what he likes.
Which would you rather sing on karaoke: America by Neil Diamond, or America by Simon & Garfunkel?
I'd never sing karaoke. I have pretty much the worst voice in the world. It would be unfair to inflict it on people.
Finally, how do you get rid of spiders in the house?
I get them on paper and release them outside. Let them carry on their lives.
Quite right too. Cheers for chatting, Brad, safe journey.
Interview: Nick Moore. From the July 2008 issue of FourFourTwo. Subscribe!