The Breast-Feeding Weekend Predictions - Round 13

Weekend fixtures: Sevilla vs Valladolid, Xerez vs Atletico Madrid, Real Madrid vs Almeria, Deportivo La Coruna vs Barcelona, Tenerife vs Sporting, Espanyol vs Racing, Mallorca vs Zaragoza, Malaga vs Osasuna, Villarreal vs Getafe, Bilbao vs Valencia.

Saturday

Sevilla (3rd) vs Valladolid (15th)

The next round of the comedy Copa del Rey was drawn this week, and it was a round that was totally free and open this time, apparently.

Free and open in the ‘higher ranked sides at the time of the draw get to play their first leg games away from home’ sense, that is.

After all, who wants pikey riffraff like Getafe getting through to the final again?

The most intriguing of the eight ties is Sevilla’s clash with Barcelona, and it produced sneakily-recorded footage of Freddie Kanouté on the phone to Carles Puyol - or having a bit of a jape, perhaps - and telling him that he will be done like a Catalan kipper when the two sides meet in January.

Poor old Alcorcón were hoping for either of the aforementioned Big Boys as reward for their rogering of Real Madrid, but have been handed run-of-the-mill Racing Santander instead.

“It’s a long coach trip,” was the bleak message from the crestfallen players to AS when the draw was announced.

Still, they displayed more knowledge about their opponents than Alcorcón president Esteban Márquez, who admitted that “I don’t know anything about Racing. The truth is I don’t really understand football.”

So, there you go. A club run by a president who knows naff all about what he is supposedly in charge of.

Maybe Real Madrid and Alcorcón have more in common after all?

LLL Prediction - Home win

Xerez (20th) v Atlético Madrid (17th)

Recently, a letter was poked into La Liga Loca’s pigeonhole demanding payment for a brand new “refuse collection tax” that looked suspiciously like a sly, sneaky way of raising funds to pay for Madrid’s ludicrous Olympic bid and the billions lost by local politicians in corruption.

So, like much of the rest of the city’s population, the blog gave the letter the finger and went about its business.

But that was until an even angrier, legal-sounding missive arrived soon after like a Harry Potter Howler, all to chase a debt worth about €24.

And this led La Liga Loca to pondering over a pomegranate tea HOW IN ALL THAT IS FRACKIN’ HOLY Atlético Madrid have racked up a €200 million debt to the taxman without anyone apparently doing a FRACKIN’ THING about it!

That’s not even mentioning the club’s refusal to sell Kun Agüero - something that could fill a few potholes, no doubt.

And the blog definitely isn’t going into the other financial revelation made by the club this week that Gil-spawn, Miguel Angel, takes a near million euro salary for his role as Delegate General while schools go unheated, orphans go hungry and La Liga Loca gets inane letters from a busted arse, morally and financially bankrupt city council.

LLL Prediction - Home win (more in hope, than reality)

Real Madrid (2nd) v Almería (13th)

Some poor hack at Marca probably spent his childhood dreaming of a journalistic life spent uncovering corruption and capturing evil doers.

Writing about the launch of a new line of Real Madrid underwear and describing it as “the first time this has happened in history,” probably featured little.

Unsurprisingly, the chance to gaze at pretty ladies in their smalls has led to massive coverage pretty much across the board in Spain, with even Pepe grinning that “the girls who came out were pretty hot.”

Most importantly of all, the story has given more gags to La Liga Loca than it knows what to do with.

(Starts comedy music on CD player) Madridistas will be able to get their hands on some ‘Pepe pants’ - guaranteed to drop to the ground at the slightest of touches, or the Marcelo cheek-free boxers - undies that offer no support at the back whatsoever.

And then there’s the top-selling Guti knickers - beneath the thinnest of layers you come across the biggest of c...(ENOUGH! FFT Editor)

LLL Prediction - Home win

Deportivo (5th) vs Barcelona (1st)

Although the Madridista press made a fine attempt at getting over the 1-0 defeat at the Camp Nou by pretending that Real actually won the Catalan encounter, there was still a tinge of sadness lying just beneath the bold bravado.

But that glimmer of gloom was soon wiped out by some tremendous photos that were published portraying the King of Catalunya, Joan Laporta, dancing like a diva in a fancy disco to celebrate Sunday’s victory of the forces of all that is good in the world over the Castle Greyskull outfit.

However, the Barcelona president is not looking his brilliant best being somewhat sweaty and having been soaked to the skin in booze.

Whilst this was material enough for a potential peetake in the Spanish capital, what really got Madridista juices flowing was the sight of a limbo-dancing Laporta with a bottle of €100 French champagne in hand.

And not a bottle of famous Catalan Cava.

“I’d have had Cava with me,” snooted Juame Guixà, a gentleman who has just announced his intentions to run in next year’s Barça presidential elections.

Now, Laporta could have had a good-natured chuckle at the incident and moved on.

Instead, being as paranoid and humourless as they come, Joan trotted out the familiar line of “the Spanish media cavern trying to destabilise Barcelona and...and...”

LLL Prediction - Draw

Sunday

Tenerife (16th) vs Sporting (7th)

Only one thing could knock Mrs Tiger Woods off the news charts in Sweden this week.

And that’s a breast-feeding man, so says thelocal.se

“Ragnar Bengtsson, 26, has failed in his high profile bid to pump forth milk from his breasts.

"But there is some consolation for the self-styled "Milkman," who is winging his way to the United States this week for an appearance on The Tyra Banks Show.

"Bengtsson's milk race began with a bang in early September as he set about pumping his breasts on a three-hourly basis.

"The unorthodox sight of a young dad with a machine pressed to his nipples became part of daily life at Stockholm University, as the economics student endeavoured to do his bit for gender equality.

"But ultimately, the experiment failed, with Bengtsson unable to live up to the name of his blog: 'The Milkman - One Drop at a Time'.

"On Tuesday at 9pm, he returns to the TV8 studio and the Aschberg show where it all began for a final look back at a trial considered intriguing and brave by some, but sickening and unnatural by many others.”

LLL Prediction - Home win

Espanyol (11th) vs Racing Santander (19th)

Being the president of Cantabria simply isn’t thrilling enough to keep the easily bored Miguel Angel Revilla happy, it seems.

Earlier this season, the cow-loving crazy picked a fight with Joan Laporta - a very easy thing to do - and he is at it again by slamming local football side Racing for their summer signings.

“Who are the morons who made them?” asked Revilla during the week.

Defender, Pablo Pinillos, responded by pointing out that “declarations like this don’t help solve our problems.”

LLL Predictions - Home win

Mallorca (6th) vs Zaragoza (14th)

There’s been yet more skullduggery in the Balearic badlands this week, with the club’s accounts being leaked to Marca - a paper that was more than pleased to publish them.

And they revealed that Mallorca manager Gregorio Manzano is being paid €1.8 million a year with his number two getting a hefty €295,000.

Considering that both are keeping Mallorca near the top of the table despite the side’s best players being sold every summer and much of the squad lucky to get their monthly wage, La Liga Loca feels that Manzano is worth every cent.

However, this has not stopped some criticism from those who feel that these salaries are flights of fancy for a club some €40 million in debt and desperately struggling to make ends meet.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Málaga (18th) vs Osasuna (10th)

By scheduling this particular encounter at 5pm rather than the more telegenic 9pm, la Liga’s big cheeses are missing a trick as it is going to be a humdinger of hubris, a virtuoso display of vengeful violence.

The combination of Osasuna being Osasuna - brilliantly filthy - and a Málaga smashing their way out of trouble at the bottom of the table means that it will be card-city down south on Sunday afternoon.

LLL Prediction - Home win (six off)

Villarreal (12th) vs Getafe (9th)

Having grown tired of booing manager’s son Adrían, the dwindling Coliseum crowd following Getafe have now taken to giving star summer signing Danny Parejo the same treatment.

This has not made Getafe president Angel Torres a happy bunny at all considering the side is having one of its best starts to the season in the top flight.

“You don’t have the right to do everything you want,” claimed a growling Torres who attacked fans and warned that they “can’t boo a player from the first minute of a game.”

Unless it is Roberto Soldado, perhaps.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Athletic Bilbao (8th) vs Valencia (4th)

Despite the Spanish enjoying nothing more than making fun of hapless Atlético Madrid, there was some sympathy for the Calderón club when it had to play a Champions League match against PSV behind closed doors last season, due to crowd control issues during the group opener against Marseille.

Since that point, UEFA - and especially Michel Platini - have been largely viewed as ham-hating froggies hell-bent on ruining the game in Spain.

So, it is no surprise that Marca have called for the strongest of sanctions against Austria Vienna after a group of Ultras invaded the pitch 20 minutes into the second half of Thursday’s Europa Cup clash with the visitors 2-0 up.

“They interrupted the match with numerous flares and soon after, they invaded the pitch,” writes Santiago Segurola on trouble which Marca claims came about through a number of hooligans from clubs such as Stuttgart and Lazio ganging together against Athletic by producing pre-constitution Spanish flags and waving banners with messages such as ‘Viva Franco’.

After a 25 minute delay, the game continued with Athletic eventually running out 3-0 winners and qualifying for the next round of the competition.

But Marca remain unmoved by the positive end to the affair.

“According to their own doctrine, just one of the many flares or fascist banners that were on display constituted enough motive to have suspended the game,” said Friday’s editorial which calls for an explanation into why the show went on in the Austrian capital.

LLL Predictions - Away win

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