If a plastic surgery and showbiz analogy can be stretched to its furthest possible boundaries without snapping back and hitting La Liga Loca on the forehead, then the self-proclaimed âÂÂbest league in the worldâ is not dissimilar a slightly past-it, tart-with-a-heart, working-in-a-diner, boob-jobbed Michelle Pfeiffer: perfectly acceptable fare if you happen to a be a taxi driver.
The enormous, pert, attention-grabbing knockers are, of course, Real Madrid and Barcelona, but the overall affect is ruined for most picky punters by an enormous, hair-sprouting mole above MichelleâÂÂs top lip.
This weekâÂÂs unfortunate and unwanted growth in la Liga is Deportivo, who are taking the fourth-place guest spot in the continuing AWOL-ness of Valencia, Villarreal and Atlético.
But despite the evidence apparently showing that Deportivo (sigh) is one of SpainâÂÂs top sides at the moment, professional misery bags, Miguel Angel Lotina, will not let one moment of happiness sneak into SaturdayâÂÂs opening encounter against 3rd-placed Sevilla.
âÂÂThereâÂÂs a certain euphoria amongst the fans and at the club,â droned the Depor boss, âÂÂbut luckily this has not entered the dressing room. And nor will it.âÂÂ
"Oooh, we're fourth. Whoopy-bloody-do"
In the opposition camp for the clash in La Coruña, Luis Fabiano has given another Paul McCartney, thumbs aloft, âÂÂI love it, here, me!â message to Sevilla fans with his gleeful confession that his âÂÂcontract is running out and, in time, this will help my departure.âÂÂ
Once Sevilla have disposed of DeportivoâÂÂs body on Saturday, Real Madrid entertain Valladolid, opposition considerably less sexy than AC Milan, WednesdayâÂÂs visitors to the Bernabeu.
And this is why Guti has suddenly come down with another unfortunately-timed injury which may just heal by Sunday morning.
After all, the Real Madrid midfielder missed a training session last week due to a back twinge but ended up playing a full round of golf later the same day.
At 10pm, Valencia host Barcelona with the club pulling a fast one on the injury status of David Villa - or so the blog suspects.
But the really fun stuff regarding this fixture is the superlative stirring from the Madrid press in regards to institutional affairs at the Camp Nou club.
AS report that Joan âÂÂJoanâ Laporta is set reward Joan Oliver, the corporate director general in the centre of the spy-gate affair, by increasing his salary from a piffling â¬240,000 to â¬800,000.
And looking at the substantial size of the fella, this can only be good news for the Catalan pie industry.
An opposition supporters group is set to report Laporta to the Spanish Plod, arguing that the club president is not in the position to make this crisis-busting move for his best buddy.
âÂÂLaporta is a genius in farce and manipulation,â jâÂÂaccused Barça socio, Robert Blanch.
Laporta himself is pictured in FridayâÂÂs papers looking as happy as Florentino Pérez in a suit shop, holding a burning torch and surrounded by flags at another Catalan independence event.
âÂÂPoliticians have tried to shut me up many times,â said the Barcelona president in a speech. Unfortunately they have all failed.
SundayâÂÂs 5pm encounters are headed by Xerez against Villarreal, with the first bottom-dwelling outfit involved in a buyout and the second facing a possible change in manager if Ernesto Valverde royally balls things up in Andalusia.
ItâÂÂs been an entertaining week in Cornella-land with EspanyolâÂÂs Raúl Tamudo crying like a big girlâÂÂs blouse due to the clubâÂÂs sporting directors coming out and accusing the striker of seeking a departure in January and refusing the captainâÂÂs armband after the death of Daniel Jarque.
âÂÂIâÂÂm very angry about what happened,â blubbed the rodent-faced ranger.
âÂÂI donâÂÂt deserve to be treated the way I have been lately and donâÂÂt understand why this is happening.âÂÂ
"Why God? WHYYYYYYYYY???"
Former Espanyol boss, Paco Flores, agrees that the pouch-possessing poacher has been given a rough ride by the club where he has been for 57 years.
âÂÂWe are copying the worst aspects of that other lot (possibly Barcelona? LLL) because they never let any player leave through the front door.âÂÂ
Mallorca are hoping for decent turnout, for once, for the visit of Getafe.
But they will be peeing in the wind as home crowds have yet to go above 11,500 mark so far this season.
âÂÂI donâÂÂt know whatâÂÂs going on,â shrugged midfielder Tuni on the distinct lack of local interest in the clubâÂÂs footballing affairs.
Zaragoza face Racing and Málaga host AlmerÃÂa, with the only notable nodule of news from the second encounter is that referee Mejuto Gonzalez will equal the Spanish record of officiating in 248 matches.
Unfortunately, the man in black may not be able whistle blow many more as he has reached the local retirement age of 45.
And this is why he is said to be contemplating a move to the Premier League where he would have four more years of ruining perfectly good games.
In praising the style of the English game, González says that he tries to copy it by claiming that âÂÂthe referee should earn the respect of a footballer, not the fear.
"Although sometimes I see myself on TV and scare myself with my gestures.âÂÂ
At 7pm, Sporting and their 15,000 or so travelling fans trundle up to take on Athletic before the latest round of action closes with Atlético losing to Osasuna in Pamplona.
Another topsy-turvy week at the Vicente Calderón saw manager Abel Resino adopt that cunning tactic of insulting his own players - not without good reason, mind.
He complained that âÂÂthe dressing room lacks characterâ and possibly predicted his imminent dismissal by declaring that âÂÂthe club would be managed with an English model. Spanish football simply doesnâÂÂt believe in projects.âÂÂ
LLL Predictions
Deportivo vs Sevilla (Away win)
Real Madrid vs Valladolid (Home win)
Valencia vs Barcelona (Draw)
Xerez vs Villarreal (Away win)
Espanyol vs Tenerife (Home win)
Mallorca vs Getafe (Home win)
Zaragoza vs Racing (Draw)
Málaga vs AlmerÃÂa (Home win)
Athletic vs Sporting (Home win)
Osasuna vs Atlético (Home win)
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