Claudia Schiffer, Mark Knopfler and 30 years of Portuguese madness

What do Kevin Keegan and Sousa Cintra have in common? They both suffer from ‘foot-in-mouth’ syndrome and down the years have provided some one-liners that already belong to the Comedy Hall of Fame.

Colourful characters such as Keegan, Holloway and Atkison and quotes such as ‘The good news for Nigeria is that they're two-nil down very early in the game’ or ‘He’s using his strength and that is his strength – his strength.’ are popular among fans, but most people are not aware of the many, many pearls of wisdom shared by many figures in Portuguese football.

Well, if you have ever wanted to learn more about that, you’re in for a treat because the Portugeezer recently acquired a book entitled ’30 Anos de Mau Futebol’ (30 years of poor football) that contains some of the most illustrious and insightful quotes of the last 30 years.

Pull up a chair, grab some popcorn and brace yourself because here comes the Portugeezer’s top 10:

10. “The main problem was Queiroz, not as a manager but as a person. Some people around him put him above the club, it was sick! Even if it was a sudden passion for a woman, I would understand…”Santana Lopes, former prime-minister and Sporting president, explaining what was wrong with his club in 1996.

9. “Eight goals in two matches may be a lot, but for God it is never too much…”Former Setúbal striker Rashid Yekini, one of the best strikers to grace the Portuguese game in the 90s, explains his goal scoring prowess with the simplest of answers.

8. “In the dictionary of the teams managed by Artur Jorge, the word ‘loss’ does not exist…before the matches”Gaffe-prone João Pinto –former FC Porto captain –revealed his admiration for then-manager Artur Jorge.

7. “Salgueiros defend when they don’t have the ball and attack when they have it…”‘Captain Obvious’ Humberto Coelho in 1986 trying to describe the style employed by his Salgueiros side.

6. ”We are drug addicts of victories”Joaquim Teixeira , FC Porto assistant manager in 1998, in a very awkward way of saying his team always wanted to win…

5. “Marítimo wants him? I’d also like to sleep with Claudia Schiffer but unfortunately that’s not possible…”Manuel Barbosa, a prominent football agent in the 90s, about the rumoured interest from Marítimo in Benfica player Kenedy. Later in his career, Kenedy would move to Marítimo, which brings the question: has Barbosa met with Schiffer?

4. “It is true and I don’t know why all the fuss about that. I tell my sons the same when they annoy me.”Fernando Pedrosa, former Vitória Setúbal supremo, when asked whether he had told his players to f*ck off! Come on, if his sons heard that, why wouldn’t the players?

3. “I believe in everything. I just don’t believe it is possible to shove an umbrella up in the ass and then open it….”Raul Águas, Sporting manager in 1990 trying to assure the Lions were still in the title race with the most incredible of analogies. They didn’t win it...

2. “I had a conversation with the man and the player and the latter told me I could count on the former…”That’s the textbook definition of eloquence. The poet was Álvaro Magalhães, GD Chaves manager in 1998, who was trying to say he could count on Croatian defender Denis Putnik.

1. “Mark Knopfler? I don’t doubt he is a good player, but our team is already closed”Apparently not a big fan of the Dire Straits, Sousa Cintra, former Sporting supremo and one of the most active contributors to the book, spoke his mind about singer-turned-football player Knopfler who was going to perform at Estádio de Alvalade the following day.

This is a man who once tried to toss away a bottle of water while driving -  with his window closed...

Have more funny quotes you would like to share? Then please feel free to post them! Some may forever be lost in translation, but others are definitely easier to share with our English-speaking audience!