The Coldplay-Crazy Predictions - Round 27

Saturday

Valencia (8th) vs Recreativo (14th)If Valencia VP sporting director thingy, Fernando Gómez, is contemplating a new career - something he’ll have to do in about three months anyway - then writing wonderful motivational books so beloved of airport-bustling businessmen should probably be ruled out as an option. “If I was a footballer I would be thinking about whether I was playing as well I could be,” tutted Gómez after the side’s recent defeat to Numancia. The no-longer-being-paid-and-soon-to-be-sold side, that is. “I feel this squad needs a regeneration, a change,” continued the Mestalla man the following day, choosing not to quit while he wasn’t even vaguely ahead. Unsurprisingly, this approach was a successful as Guti attempting his two-times table and was rebuffed by, captain, Carlos Marchena. “We don’t understand why he has thrown this crap at us when what we are asking for is unity,” grumbled the defender. But this is not the only crack beginning to show in Valencia’s woeful world. Marca report that, full-back, Miguel, missed Thursday’s training due to oversleeping and Fernando Morientes threw a sizeable strop when forced to front a publicity campaign for a beer campaign after training. “This event appears to be more important than my recovery,” grumbled the senile striker to the gathered press. LLL Prediction - Away win Athletic (11th) vs Real Madrid (2nd)Aside from being more than a half-decent keeper, Iker Casillas is known for a number of things in Spain - moodiness, awful singing, being fond of a pint and willing to advertise anything to anyone. But the one thing he definitely isn’t is a big old cry baby - a favourable feature that elevates him above 99.9% of his emotion-outpouring countrymen.

On Wednesday, there was a rumour in the air that Iker had walked off the Anfield pitch blubbing, had continued his wailing in the dressing room and had spent the flight home dribbling and drooling over Raúl’s shoulder. When, best buddy at Barcelona, Xavi was probed about the story he flatly denied that it was possible. Soon after, Iker Scrappy do’d the press to put ‘em up and told them that he was no windy wuss as people had been saying.

“I didn’t cry. But going out like that really p*sses you off.”LLL Prediction - Home winSundayValladolid (9th) vs Getafe (15th)Despite last Sunday’s home defeat by Málaga, Getafe club president, Angel Torres stood by his managing man and said that he intends to do so until the end of the season no matter what happens. “No-one should have any doubts that Muñoz is staying on,” trumpeted Torres on Monday. One of the reasons for his stout steadfast defence of his coach is that he may no longer be giving a flying fruitfly about the future of the club. “If Getafe stay in La Primera, perhaps I’ll move on,” hinted the president who has been at the club for seven years and brought them from the back of beyond to Bayern Munich in that short space of time. LLL Prediction - Home winMálaga (5th) vs Sevilla (3rd)After a week of wound-licking - and head polishing - Sevilla president José Maria del Nido was back in business on Thursday and clearly suffering few after-effects of his backfiring Athletic taunting tactics from the Copa del Rey. In an interview with AS, the club’s godfather reiterated the importance of Champions League footballer to Sevilla’s financial future, but also warned of more rival-rankling outbursts to come in the future. “The (the Athletic lion-eating taunt) was nothing compared to what I’ll say next when Sevilla are on the brink of another sporting success.”

La Liga Loca can hardly wait. LLL Prediction - DrawEspanyol (20th) vs Mallorca (17th)With talk turning to these two bottom-dwelling teams, what better time to dip into the latest sorry goings-on in La Segunda. The current trend in Spain’s terrible tier - aside from bankruptcy - is sacking coaches. The week saw the division’s 14th managerial firing of the season, with 20th placed Eibar ridding themselves of another expendable employee. The previous 13 firings were from the following trigger-happy clubs - Elche, Alicante, Alicante, Las Palmas, Alicante, Cordoba, Murcia, Alicante, Alavés, Castellón, Alavés and Celta Vigo. Eagle-eyed readers may have spotted one particular club having a fine firing time this season - and in doing so handing four particular managers a favour, considering Alicante is a rundown craphole that smells funny. LLL Prediction - Home win Betis (16th) vs Osasuna (18th) If beating one of their direct rivals wasn’t enough on Sunday, the Osasuna players have an extra incentive ahead of the weekend’s big clash.

If they pick up all three points then the footballers will be going home with a pig. Now La Liga Loca is not suggesting anything about the fine quality of women to be found in the Pyrenean haven of Pamplona. It is merely reporting the story that local businessman - and probable nut-job - Luis Miguel Arraztoa will be offering up some piglets to the victorious Pamplona players. “At first, we were going to invite them out for dinner,” revealed Luis Miguel on his more conventional plan. But the new approach has one tiny flaw: what to do with Osasuna’s two Iranian players, Javad Nekounam and Masoud Shojaei?

“We reckon that they don’t eat pork, so we’ll sort them out with some chickens.”LLL Prediction - Home winSporting (13th) vs Deportivo (6th) La Liga Loca recently read with interest that scientists have proved beyond any doubt that the universe and indeed reality definitely exist. “Pure hokum,” retorts the blog to this nonsensical theory. All these white coat-wearing weirdoes need to do is take a long at the Spanish league table to realise that we are all the figment of each other’s imagination. And nothing more. Deportivo are sixth. They scored five last week. They have Riki up front, for heaven’s sake. Case closed. LLL Prediction - Home win Racing (12th) vs Numancia (19th) Goalless draw, predicts La Liga Loca. Something that is sure to bring about a 6-5 classic. Atlético (7th) vs Villarreal (4th)Abel Resino’s brave, some would say insane, decision to leave Diego Forlán on the bench against Porto on Wednesday - a match where Atleti had to score - was met with some hostility in the Spanish capital, to say the least. “Atleti paid for the cowardliness of Abel,” yelled Iñaki Díaz-Guerra in AS. “Whatn’s the point in saving when you have nothing to save for?” continued the paper’s angry man. Kun Agüero was in complete agreement with the AS-man and commented that he failed to understand why he was forced to run the forward line on his own for much of Wednesday’s goalless draw.

“If I could have, I would have put Forlán in the team,” admitted the Argentine striker. Another very unhappy man indeed was, captain, Maxi Rodríguez, who suffered yet another strop-fuelled substitution in the second half. But the blog is in agreement with the under fire Resino, as it has also failed to see the point of the player for the past couple of seasons. LLL Prediction - Home winAlmería (10th) vs Barcelona (1st) If it wasn’t such unseemly behaviour for the King of Catalunya, then Joan ‘Joan’ Laporta would have spent the best part of this week blowing ripe old raspberries in the direction of the Spanish capital. The Champions League clashes saw the perfect double for the Catalan club - Real Madrid humiliated on a very global stage and Barça putting five passed their French foes in the Camp Nou. Barcelona are back, back, back says an excited Sport, but it is a group of soft-rocking, lift music-making toffs that is the root cause of Barca’s brilliant bounce-back. “Pep Guardiola really likes Coldplay and this song (Viva la Vida) really brings us luck,” revealed Xavi on the tune that is played in the dressing room, the coach and in the stadium before matches. Indeed, the Barça boss is so fond of the band that he went to watch the English - will never be good as Parachutes - supergroup with Frank Rijkaard the last time they played in the city. LLL Prediction - Away win

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