Steve McClaren

Derby players completely unaware McClaren ever left

Former England chief has received an underwhelming welcome back, Back of the Net can reveal…

Derby’s players have responded with shock to the news that Steve McClaren is their new manager, as nobody in the dressing room can remember him leaving the club in the first place.

Although Paul Clement and Nigel Pearson have held the reins since McClaren’s last stint ended 17 months ago, neither man appears to have left any mark on the squad to the extent where even photographs of the two men met with blank stares.

As McClaren was presented to the dressing room today, many senior players looked surprised as they believed he had simply popped out to get some milk.

We asked Big Mac [Steve McClaren] what he’d been doing since he left but he insisted he’d done nothing. Absolutely nothing

- Derby star

“It turns out the gaffer [Steve McClaren] has been gone for nearly a year-and-a-half, but, with all due respect, none of us had really noticed,” defender Craig Forsyth told FourFourTwo.

“We thought maybe he’d gone to the far Costcutter instead of the near one, or had a Dutch language exam to study for.

“It does sort of answer the questions about those other blokes [Paul Clement and Nigel Pearson] who shouted at us for a while with forlorn, haunted expressions, told a few lads to play out of position and occasionally called us ostriches.

“We asked Big Mac [Steve McClaren] what he’d been doing since he left but he insisted he’d done nothing. Absolutely nothing.”

Steve McClaren, Derby

"It's OK, tell me what the bad men did"

Time-management

Derby have announced that to save time they will issue McClaren with a three-year contract which includes one sacking and a re-appointment.

“Steve McClaren is the future of this football club,” director Mel Morris told FourFourTwo. “As it happens, he’s also the past and indeed the present of this football club.

“If we had our way he’d also be the conditional and the subjunctive. If that were possible.”

Please note: This fictional news story is not real. Obviously.

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