As a short, fat chap with a natty line in witticisms and winning World Wars once said: âÂÂsuccess is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.âÂÂ
But nobody seems to have told that to the unfortunate nations trailing home with their Jabulanis between their legs after underwhelming World Cup performances.
Many squads have been granted a âÂÂwelcome homeâ fit for a nonce ring carrying petriâÂÂdishes full of the H1N1 virus, and the levels of head-hanging and brow-beating have reached an unprecedented 8.6 on the Ian Beale Scale.
England havenâÂÂt even led the way. Sure, the tabloids have gone to town as our underachieving footy berks have committed the horrific sins of SMILING AS THEY SEE THEIR CHILDREN, GOING OUT FOR A NICE MEAL and ARROGANTLY BREATHING IN AND OUT. And a survey recently revealed that 62% of people are âÂÂashamed to be Englishâ in the wake of the South African debacle. But thatâÂÂs small beer compared to whatâÂÂs been going on elsewhere around the globe.
The defeated champions, Italy, for example, were greeted by angry scenes upon their arrival at Fiumicino airport. YouâÂÂve got to admire a hate mob that can be bothered getting up at seven in the morning to vent its spleen, and 100 or so vexed Romans pounced on Marcello LippiâÂÂs car, unleashing a cavalcade of vile abuse and rude hand gestures (the Italians are still the undoubted world champions of rude hand gestures, mind: they even have one that means âÂÂyour mother slept with the whole village.âÂÂ) âÂÂThereâÂÂs a lot of bitterness,â acknowledged striker Fabio Quagliarella sheepishly. âÂÂBut we understand how the fans feel.âÂÂ
Meanwhile, in France, the hilarious carnival of self-destruction shows no sign of abating. The French League (LFP) has called for the entire French Football Federation (FFF) to resign. Tiny President Nicolas Sarkozy has scampered into the mix, calling for âÂÂexplanationsâ and asking to âÂÂspeak to the players personally,â while the players continue to lambast each other and question Raymond DomenechâÂÂs parentage.
Nigeria, however, have topped the lot. Their President â the incredibly-monikered Goodluck Jonathan â suspended the entire team from taking part in any international competition for two years. FIFA then gave Nigeria 24 hours to reverse the decision, otherwise theyâÂÂd be expelled from world football.
You have to feel for the players here: itâÂÂs a bit like a child who has been unfairly sent to his room then getting nailed to the bed. And FIFAâÂÂs âÂÂstop refusing to play football, or we wonâÂÂt let you play footballâ line is reminiscent of the American joke about unarmed British police: âÂÂstop⦠or IâÂÂll shout stop again.âÂÂ
History has thrown up even worse examples. In 2000, the Ivory CoastâÂÂs players were held for three days in a military detention camp â punishment by the countryâÂÂs dictator due to a meagre showing at the African Cup of Nations.
The Elephant men were forced to perform squat thrusts and drill parades, as well as attend lectures on team unity and discipline. And then of course there was the Iraq team under the demented rule of SaddamâÂÂs son Uday Hussain, for whom thumb-screws and electrodes were the primary motivational tool. One poor lad even got his perm shaved off.
All of which brings us inevitably to North Korea. âÂÂI wouldnâÂÂt want to be one of their relatives today,â we muttered to each other as Portugal rained down goals upon the key Axis of Evil members. But it seems our fears for the plucky lads who ground out a commendable 2-1 loss to Brazil were perhaps unfounded.
âÂÂI think you are mistaken,â muttered coach Kim Jong-Hun â a man you definitely wouldnâÂÂt want to play poker against â when it was suggested that there would be âÂÂconsequencesâ for his teamâÂÂs failure when they returned home.
And indeed, the pro-Pyongyang newspaper Choson Sinbo reported that the players arrived home âÂÂstoney-facedâ but âÂÂregained their smiles after being welcomed by their families and supporters crowding the airport.â And if the shadowy stateâÂÂs media mouthpiece is reporting the story in such a way, itâÂÂs a fair bet that the squad â thumbs and spines still in tact â will live to fight another tournament. Heartening news.
âÂÂSometimes you win, sometimes you lose or it doesn't turn out the way you want,â said coach Jong-Hun. âÂÂbut if it doesn't turn out the way we want, there will be no further consequences for that.âÂÂ
Amazing as it might sound, it might just be time for the English, French and Italians to learn a lesson from North Korea.
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