From Friends to Failure for Víctor Muñoz

He was Monica Bing's former billionaire, Ultimate Fighting boyfriend. He lost most of his limbs in Very Bad Things. And now Víctor Muñoz is ex-manager of Recreativo.

The former Mallorca, Villarreal, Lleida, Zaragoza and Panathinaikos coach was booted out of the Andalusian club, on Monday afternoon, after a 2-1 home defeat to Sevilla left them second from bottom in the table, when they should perhaps have been challenging for a Champions League place, an overambitious board seems to think.

The Champion who is going to steer them out of danger and onto a bright new path – or crack under the pressure after three days like Zaragoza's Ander Garitano – is cheap as chips reserve team coach, Mando Zambrano. "We think he's the ideal manager," beamed club president, Fransico Mendoza – a gentleman who almost certainly walks around wearing a big coat without his arms in the sleeves. And a man who sounds a little like a bad guy from Miami Vice: "We've got to take down, Mendoza," spat Crockett as he reholstered his Beretta." "This is not a hot potato," confirmed the ex-player, Zambrano, who has "Recreativo in his soul," according to a gushing AS, who ignore his complete lack of experience of running a top-flight club. Never mind a crap one. And talking of gushing AS's, La Liga Loca implores Recreativo to change the red splodgy design on the back of their shorts, as it currently makes the players look like they are suffering from traumatic rectal bleeding.

Murcia, another side in the drop zone, have issued a declaration of support for their coach, Lucas Alcaraz, who has the air of an office supplies manager in a large auditing firm.

"We have full confidence in him and of course we will be carrying on with him," confirmed club president, Jesús Samper, who may or may not have had his fingers crossed behind his back.

Betis' Paco Chaparro has denied following in Sir Alex's footsteps by giving a full blooded fist pump, this time to the referee in the closing seconds of the Deportivo defeat.

"It's one person's word against another," said perky Paco who also denies yelling "you're a disgrace" at the man in the middle.

"There were 40 metres between me and him," explained the Betis boss, in his defence – a defence which includes the claim that he was merely pointing to his watch when the referee looked over.

El Mundo have been covering an investigation currently underway into Betis' dubious finances – and Manuel Ruiz de Lopera's involvement in them.

It is reported that two companies run by Lopera, formerly Tegasa – "a dark firm with Russian origins," said the paper in November – and now Encadesa, receive all the income coming into the club from tv, gate receipts, etc and then hand the cash over to Betis once their own cut has been taken.

"It guarantees Betis have never lost out," explained de Lopera, happily ignoring the 10 million euros lost every year between 2004 and 2006.

La Audiencia Nacional is also looking into why Betis have been forced to pay huge amounts of funds to the same companies - 787,787 euros in 2007 - for 'remodelling work' on the stadium for the past 10 years, work that has yet to be completed.

AS have handed over the first six pages of Tuesday's edition to the various ramblings of Alfredo di Stefano, who was speaking at a footballing forum.

The work experience minion who was forced to transcribe every word from the animatronic marvel reported highlights such as, "We always have haddock on Monday! At 2 o'clock, they bring me haddock!" and "Has my granddaughter called? She's an astronaut, you know!"

The former Argentinean, Italian, Welsh, New Zealand, Russian and Spanish international also confirmed that he has his own teeth and is convinced that Real Madrid would win the league.

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