Ã¢ÂÂItÃ¢ÂÂs insane! ItÃ¢ÂÂs obscene! What about the children! Frack me!Ã¢ÂÂ
Just four of the descriptions of La Liga LocaÃ¢ÂÂs conceptualist art exhibition currently on display outside its penthouse apartment. And melting rapidly in the summer sun.
ItÃ¢ÂÂs also four of the descriptions plucked from FridayÃ¢ÂÂs Spanish press to describe Real MadridÃ¢ÂÂs overdraft-straining, bank-busting attempts to reach the sparkling, promised land of the Champions League quarter-finals.
And maybe, just maybe, a decent Copa del Rey run too.
The double whammy of the KakÃÂ¡ and Cristiano Ronaldo deals has split the battle-lines in the Spanish press in a fairly predictable way.
For those of a Madridista bent, the 180 million Euro spunkathon is unquestionably a Very Good Thing. Anyone who suggests otherwise is a heretic who deserves disembowelling.
For the Catalan papers, FlorentinoÃ¢ÂÂs recent splurge is the work of Satan himself. As is the norm in this particular wacky world, there is no time or space allowed for any opinions in between.
PÃÂ©rezÃ¢ÂÂs back pocket-dwelling paper, Marca, blasts on FridayÃ¢ÂÂs front page that Ronaldo is Ã¢ÂÂthe signing of the centuryÃ¢ÂÂ and gives 10 good reasons justifying MadridÃ¢ÂÂs outrageous outlay for his diving services next season.
One of them is that he is the new official hunk of the Real Madrid team. Something that Paris Hilton has also noted, according to tabloid titillation.
Roberto GÃÂ³mez (whose love for RamÃÂ³n CalderÃÂ³n has seen him severely sidelined at the paper) claims that KakÃÂ¡ and RonaldoÃ¢ÂÂs arrival in the Spanish capital means that Ã¢ÂÂReal Madrid win, football wins, we all win!Ã¢ÂÂ
The paperÃ¢ÂÂs editorial thumbs its nose up at those who doubt the financial sense of the double deal by arguing that it will generate more money than it costs.
Angel or demon?
The column also chooses to ignore the final years of the last Galactico age and David BeckhamÃ¢ÂÂs trophy-starved spell at the club by opining that Ã¢ÂÂhaving a team with the biggest icon in world football is a guarantee of success.Ã¢ÂÂ
Over in AS-land, editor Alfredo RelaÃÂ±o writes that Ã¢ÂÂin just one week, Florentino PÃÂ©rez has excited Madridistas and appalled everyone else.Ã¢ÂÂ
Although he acknowledges the moral issues over such a big splash of cash bang in the middle of a recession and with four million unemployed in Spain, he too falls in step with the PÃÂ©rez party-line.
(The paper also finds the space to print a letter from a Barcelona fan and AS reader claiming that RelaÃÂ±o is Ã¢ÂÂthe best editor of all four of the big sports papers that we have in Spain.Ã¢ÂÂ And the most modest, no doubt).
Inside, Emilio PÃÂ©rez de Rozas writes in a tremendously sycophantic column that Ã¢ÂÂMadrid owe 500m Euro and are spending 300m more. But it doesnÃ¢ÂÂt matter. PÃÂ©rez oozes power and credibility.Ã¢ÂÂ
La Liga Loca says "Get a room."
Those looking for moral outrage and more than a hint of fear need only go to the Catalan-crazy press for some self-righteously angry reaction to RonaldoÃ¢ÂÂs expected arrival in Madrid.
Ã¢ÂÂItÃ¢ÂÂs mad!Ã¢ÂÂ yells Mundo Deportivo on the reported 94m Euro transfer fee for Ronaldo.
Ã¢ÂÂWhat message does this kind of behaviour send to the world and especially to children? What values does it promote? That everything can be bought?Ã¢ÂÂ rants Jaume Miserachs, getting his Puyol-patterned panties in a big old bunch.
Sport follow a similar theme, with Josep Maria Casanovas predicting the end of the world following MadridÃ¢ÂÂs latest move.
Ã¢ÂÂAn immoral and shameful sum... a provocation... a bad example in these times of crisis... PÃÂ©rez is in love with the image that no-one can resist him and that he can do everything... the most scandalous signing in the history of football.Ã¢ÂÂ
As far as La Liga Loca is aware, Casanovas is already hammering away on SaturdayÃ¢ÂÂs editorial, entitled Ã¢ÂÂWAAAAAAH!!!! ITÃ¢ÂÂS JUST NOT FAIR!!!!Ã¢ÂÂ
With David VillaÃ¢ÂÂs signing due any day now, the hyperventilating hyperbole in the Spanish press has only just begun.