"I wish I was called Isambard. Isambard Kingdom Holloway, it’s got a ring..."
Afternoon, Ian. Credit crunch. Knife crime. Terrorism. Eco-crisis. Are we all doomed? Hello mate. It’s not looking very good, is it? It’s going to be tough. When blokes are robbing things from other blokes’ allotments, then it’s getting a bit much. I just saw a guy on the news, he’d had his cabbages stolen, he was nearly crying over it. How low can people stoop? It’s not on.
Oh well. Who’s the best ever Ian in history? Er… bloody hell. I can’t think of any… give us an example.
Ian McCaskill? The weather fella? He was classic. But I can’t think of any others.
Ian Paisley? [Does mad booming Ian Paisley voice] ‘YES I’M UP HERE LOOKING DOWN, AND YOU’RE DOWN THERE LOOKING UP AT ME’. Paisley, no he’s not a favourite. It’s a poor name, Ian. I’m a bit ashamed of it really. EE-un. I wish I was called Isambard. Isambard Kingdom Brunel, now there was a man. He was a little short-arse too, but what a fella. Isambard Kingdom Holloway, it’s got a ring.
Who’s the hardest newsreader? As in fighting? It’s got to be big Trevor McDonald. He’s outlasted them all hasn’t he? I reckon he could take down those young pups, he’s like a mixture of Sugar Ray Leonard and Ali. He’d knock them all out and leave them hearing the News at Ten bongs. Float like a butterfly, sting like a cobra. Too cool for words.
Who’s the best ever Beatle? I don’t think there’s a best one. They’re all good, but I like the Colorado beetle.
I'd like to be mates with Roadrunner. If you ran out of lager during the footy, he’d be down the shops and back for you in seconds!
Ha ha! Very good. Do you think Paul McCartney has become a bit of a wally, though? Not at all. I don’t think anybody’s a bit of a wally. All the Beatles were great. Lennon was a good man, he had his head on straight. McCartney’s still great. He should have done a bit of homework on his second wife, but it was an easy mistake to make, he was a lonely bloke needing some company. That was just bad recruitment.
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Who would you like to have as your Fantasy Uncle? Hmm that’s a good one. You’d be hard pushed to beat Churchill, wouldn’t you?
The car insurance dog? Oh no, no, no… Winston Churchill. Good old Winnie. I’d like to sit on his shoulder and hear from Uncle Winnie how he sorted out Hitler. He gave the best team talks of all time didn’t he? Hitler was scared of the propaganda Churchill put up. And anyone who says that success is all about going from one failure to another without losing enthusiasm is absolutely SPOT ON. A bit of optimism, that’s what we need.
As we’re on Prime Ministers, do you feel a bit sorry for Gordon Brown? Yeah, poor bloke. What an act to follow, eh? Everybody moaned about Tony Blair but then he stepped in there and it’s all gone wrong. It’s not really his fault. Life’s all about timing, and his timing stinks.
Which cartoon character would you most like to be pals with? Foghorn Leghorn. [Goes into Deep South accent]. ‘I said boooy, you didn’t ring that bell quick enough, booooy’. He was brilliant. Either that or Roadrunner, ’coz he could go down the shops and be back in seconds. If you run out of cans of lager during the footy, he’d be down and back for you. Meep meep.
Moving swiftly on (geddit?) Who’s the best homosexual of all time? Oscar Wilde. ‘We’re all living in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars’. That’s genius, what a guy.
Finally, what’s the best method of eating potatoes – chip, jacket, mash... I’ve got to go for the bag of crisps, I think. I shouldn’t eat ‘em, but I can’t help myself. Any flavour will do, but you’ve got to have them with red sauce. Crisps are one of the best inventions ever. You’ve got to try it.
We will. Ta-ra, Ian. Top man. Thanks.
From the October 2008 issue of FourFourTwo.
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Nick Moore is a freelance journalist based on the Isle of Skye, Scotland. He wrote his first FourFourTwo feature in 2001 about Gerard Houllier's cup-treble-winning Liverpool side, and has continued to ink his witty words for the mag ever since. Nick has produced FFT's 'Ask A Silly Question' interview for 16 years, once getting Peter Crouch to confess that he dreams about being a dwarf.
