Ipswich midfielder, Wigan hero and one-time shampoo promoter Jimmy Bullard answers FourFourTwo's silly questions in May 2010. Bring on the Ghostbusters...
Hello, Jimmy. You're doing a Wash 'n' Go advert. How do you rate your barnet against the Gallic locks of rival shampoo endorsee David Ginola?
Hi. Well, Ginola's hair is clearly better than mine. I've got a pure bouffant – it's totally out of control a lot of the time. But I think the ad is going to be good. We're taking the biscuit out of the old '80s one, and I've been having a right laugh.
Ginola says that although fans took the mick, the players didn't because he gave them so much free shampoo. Is your shed rammed with Wash 'n' Go?
I've got bags full of it, mate, it's getting dished out across the dressing room. The boys have never smelled so good.
That's nice. Now, imagine you agree to join the A-Team. Half an hour later, Ghostbusters call and offer you a job for the same money. Who do you join?
I'd go for Ghostbusters. They do enjoyable work, and I've never seen a ghost, so that would be a first for me. The A-Team were renegades – I wouldn't fancy that so much.
What would your reaction be if Hull's new kit for next season was a long gown instead of a shirt and shorts?
I'd be up for it. It's about time that kits went back to the old school, though. Let's get the little '80s shorts back. I've already got the mullet! In fact, I think everyone should be forced to have short shorts and mullets. Imagine Wayne Rooney like that.
Quite. Time for some proper sports questions: do you think you could beat Peter Sissons at ping-pong?
Oh, if you can't beat a newsreader at table tennis, something has gone wrong. I'd beat him easily – I'm pretty handy. We play a bit at Hull – Ian Ashbee is a decent player.
Who'd win in an arm-wrestle between Meatloaf and Dean Windass?
Meatloaf would win. He's a big old boy, even though he's a bit older.
You used to be a painter-decorator. Do you still do your own wallpapering?
I do the odd bit – I wallpapered my lad's bedroom not so long ago. But generally I'll get someone else to do it. My dad still works – he reckons he taught me everything I know. We used to have a laugh. My dad once screwed his mate's wooden leg into a plank on a scaffold when he wasn't looking. This bloke had to take his leg off, get down and unscrew it. Classic.
Do you still have a range of ladders and a paint-splattered radio?
Yeah. I could bring them out if I needed to, but three years of it was enough for me. I'll stick to football if I can.
You're an Eastender. Which member of the soap do you reckon should be killed off next?
Ian Beale has got to go. How much longer can he last? They need to put him out of his misery – he's horrible. I'd be happy to be a guest on the show and get rid of him.
Who's the nation's favourite Cockney?
Ray Winstone. He's proud of being a Cockney, he's a great actor, he is who he is. He's not fake.
And is Bullard a fan of Wellard, surely TV's best-ever dog?
Nah, I preferred that little dog Ethel had. Willy. He's got to be up there when it comes to the best TV dog.
It was heartbreaking when she had that little pug put down.
Yeah. He was great.
Finally, if you could command an army comprised of just one kind of animal, what would it be?
Bears. Big, black bears. Big, massive, black bears. It'd be a great army, that.
Thanks for talking, Jimmy.
Interview: Nick Moore. From the May 2010 issue of FourFourTwo. Subscribe!