The Republic of Ireland defender answers ridiculous posers for FourFourTwo in April 2010, when he was still at Manchester United.
Hello, John. You've been described as a utility man. Do you own a utility belt?
Hi. I don't have a utility belt, no.
What about a utility room?
I've got one of those. It's got the usual stuff in it: a washer, a dryer, a sink. I'm not in that often, though – my girlfriend takes care of all that. There is also a spare fridge, a second fridge.
What's in this reserve-team fridge?
I can't say. The manager wouldn't be too happy.
Surely Sir Alex's all-powerful regime doesn't extend as far as fridge limitations?
Ha... no. OK – there are a few bottles in the fridge.
We're picturing a big, lavish utility room...
It's not as big as some of the other lads' utility rooms, I'm sure. But our two Labradors sleep in there, so we're getting good use out of it.
What are your two Labradors called?
It's top secret, that.
Let's move on. You've performed as an emergency striker and an emergency goalkeeper. Which of the actual emergency services would you most like to work for?
I'd probably go for fireman. They're the heroes, aren't they? You could save lives, although you'd get into a few tricky spots. Plus you could stick the sirens on if you wanted to nip home through traffic for your tea. I think working in an ambulance would be a bit much.
We reckon you'd make a good cop. You'd look the part.
Thanks. My brother is a Garda Siochana [policeman] in County Wexford and he's even taller than me. He's 6ft 7in and probably five stone heavier than I am. If we're out and about in Ireland, going for a quiet pint, people mistake him for my security guard.
Understandable. Now: would you rather be King of Sweden or Prime Minister of Canada?
Why? What's the question after this going to be?
It's not a loaded enquiry, we promise.
[Sounding suspicious] Right... I'll go for the King of Sweden. I've never been to either country, but I'm going to Sweden to visit a friend of mine, Bojan Djordjic, in Stockholm next summer. My Swedish isn't much good, though.
If a mental patient clutching a viper broke into the Manchester United dressing room, who'd run away and who'd get stuck in?
Wayne would just eat the snake. It would all be taken care of straightaway. I'd like to see it happen, actually. I reckon most of the lads would probably run into the corners in a situation like that.
More mayhem: which newsreader would you least like to fight – Peter Sissons with a spanner or Moira Stewart with a baseball bat?
Peter Sissons. He'd give you a knock with that spanner. I think I might stand a chance with Moira Stewart. I'd like to think my speed would come into play, and I might be able to dodge the bat.
Did you ever feel that Roy Keane had a surprisingly high-pitched voice for a hardman?
I've never heard anyone say that before. I've been close to the voice a few times and I wouldn't say it was high-pitched.
We certainly wouldn't say it to his face. What have you got on the wallpaper of your mobile phone?
A picture of my two Labradors.
With their secret names?
They aren't revealed in the picture!
Why are you being so guarded about the name of your Labradors? Are they called something embarrassing like Missy Fluffkins or Barky?
They don't have stupid names... I just want to keep them private [chuckling]. It's an infringement of their rights.
Thanks for yakking, John.
Interview: Nick Moore. From the April 2010 issue of FourFourTwo.