La Liga Loca’s Uninspiring XI

Today’s ramble through the wonderful world of La Liga is dedicated to the wasters and what-the-heck-happened? of this year’s Primera.

The blog brings you an XI comprised of those players who simply aren’t cutting the mustard or not trying, those who can do better and those who should just give up now.

But rather than choose the Numancia back four and a Frankenstein’s monster made up of Sporting goalkeepers’ body parts, La Liga Loca has decided to bring down some big guns.

Please feel free to add some more names to this season’s Walk of Shame.

Goalkeeper - Carlos Kameni (Espanyol)

Last summer, the likes of Spurs were sniffing around this crazy Cameroonian. Not any more. Unless their chief scout’s Sky subscription remained unpaid for the past nine months.

The Espanyol keeper’s form has mirrored that of his side. Occasionally adequate but mainly erratic. And a little peculiar. Perhaps the lowlight for Kameni’s season was a post training bust-up with a fan who suggested that he not bother signing a new contract with the club.

Right-back - Georgios Seitaridis (Atlético Madrid)

A season spent being ‘injured’ at unfortunate times - usually when being booed by the home fans in the Calderón  - and trailing behind opposition strikers puts the Greek international in the awful XI right-back position.

Poor Georgios is truly hated at Atleti, where he is unlikely to be playing next season.

Centre-back - Johnny Heitinga (Atlético Madrid)

It’s a trifle cruel to pick on the Dutch defender, especially when he resembles Xerez’ president after two rounds with a Russian bouncer thanks to a clash of heads against Mallorca.

But, then again, life is supposed to be harsh. The Eredivisie’s player of the season last year came to the Calderón for 10 million euro and has repaid the faith shown in him by Atlético by giving away about 50 penalties.

The only skill the Dutchman has perfected in his time in the Spanish capital is the hands-on-hips bemused look, originally mastered by Iker Casillas.

Centre-back - Martín Cáceres (Barcelona)

Maybe the Barcelona centre-back is genuinely built for top flight football? Maybe it is too early to say? Pep Guardiola and many Barcelona fans don’t seem to think so. Especially when the 16 million euro fee is taken into account - a figure that Villarreal are still chuckling about.

Cáceres has had a season so uninspiring that even Betis were sniffing around him like a starving mongrel over the winter window.

Left-back - Gabriel Heinze (Real Madrid)

Heinze is a player that “loves the smell of napalm in the morning,” says Marca. He should live in La Liga Loca’s barrio if that’s the case.  The Real Madrid full-back plays the game as if it’s one-minute long.

The fact that the Argentine defender has only received seven yellows this season is come kind of crazy blip in the card-happy world of La Primera.

Right-midfield - Alexander Hleb (Barcelona)

La Liga Loca may have missed a meeting, but it never really shared the hype and hubris over the Belarusian midfielder. Probably because it never really watched him play. The former Arsenal man came to Barcelona for 15 million euro and has made just five league starts.

“I’m not worried, I believe in myself,” huffed Hleb last week. That’s lucky, because no-one else does.

Centre-midfield - Guti (Real Madrid)

Finally, finally, finally Guti’s booty may be kicked out the door this summer - but only if Juande Ramos is in charge. This season, the Madrid midfielder has carelessly mislaid his powers of the perfect pass, making him as much use as... well, Guti.

In the 13 league games Madrid have played without Guti in the line-up due to ‘injury’ - the side have managed 12 wins and one draw.

Centre-midfield - Ever Banega (Atlético Madrid)

Having arrived in Valencia during the last winter window for an undisclosed (but thought to be around 20 million euro fee), the only thing the Argentine youngster has managed in his 13 months in Spain is a whole stream of childish chortles from La Liga Loca over his self-touching activities.

He has spent the current season on loan at Atlético Madrid where he has managed just four league starts in a midfield that even La Liga Loca’s gran could play in. And she popped her clogs some time ago.

Left-midfield - Royston Drenthe (Real Madrid)

Now this hurts like hell to write, but Madrid fans think so little of poor old Royston that they even travel to training sessions to boo him, scumbags that they are.

A number of excuses have been given for his stumbling performances and inability to pass. Wrong stud size, says Raúl. Still learning, says Pedja Mijatovic. Going to Portsmouth, thinks La Liga Loca.

Striker - Luis García (Espanyol)

The footballing equivalent of Mariah Carey - a colossal poncing, prima donna that needs the perfect conditions if he is too perform. García may even carry a tiny lapdog around with him, for all the blog knows.

27 league starts. Three goals. Espanyol relegation.

Striker - Alhassane Keita (Mallorca)

Number of league goals promised by the Guinean striker when joining Mallorca from Al-Ittihad... 20. Number of league goals actually scored... one.


Centre-back - Carlos Marchena (Valencia)

With Valencia’s footballing and financial backs against the wall (once again), the Spanish international has contributed own goals, gaffes and two red cards to the cause.

On a bad day, Marchena is a sluggish, slow-witted, thug of a player. On a good day, merely a slow-witted thug.

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