Dash and darn it.
Despite La Liga Loca and millions of its readers praying long and hard to all things unholy that either Arsene Wenger or Jose Mourinho would be joining the jamboree in Castle Greyskull, Manuel Pellegrini was the chosen chump to claim that his new position as manager of Madrid was a dream come true.
Had either of the clubâÂÂs first two choices come off, then the blog could have sat back with a big bag of popcorn and watched the frantic football fun unfold.
A bewildered Wenger would have been crying on the managerâÂÂs desk within minutes of his arrival at the Bernabeu, while Mourinho would have been banging Jorge ValdanoâÂÂs head on it.
âÂÂI (THUMP) am (THUMP) in (THUMP) charge (THUMP) here! Are (THUMP) we (THUMP) clear! (THUMP, THUMP, THUMP)."
"Talk to the hands..."
On a side note, perhaps the best news of ValdanoâÂÂs posting as âÂÂDirector General and Assistant to the Presidentâ is that the former Argentine international will no longer be writing his frackinâ awful columns in SaturdayâÂÂs edition of Marca.
Spain is finally spared from endless pretentious prose on football being a beautiful game that must be cherished, etc.
If La Liga Loca snoozes for even a second at the Santiago Bernabeu next season, then the blog will be writing 'BORED' in big letters on a Post-It note and slapping it onto ValdanoâÂÂs forehead.
But itâÂÂs Manuel Pellegrini who now holds the nominal role as coach for the next two years (or weeks) and the Chilean is just hoping that the same firing fate that has happened to his predecessors isnâÂÂt repeated.
"Remember, Manuel, we don't want to see sh*t on a stick"
Unfortunately, the Chilean coach is none too optimistic on the matter. âÂÂIt would be absurd to think that it isnâÂÂt going to happen to me,â mused Manuel to Marca.
Despite todayâÂÂs mischievous La Liga Loca headline, Pellegrini is a perfectly fine choice for Madrid. He has proven success at working with young talent as well as handling the more Riquelme-esque problematic players (yes, you, Señor Guti).
However, the role of Madrid manager is more about managing upwards and making sure that the buck of blame doesnâÂÂt stop with you when things go all Pete Tong. Something that Bernd Schuster failed to work out.
"We're right behind you, son"
After all, thereâÂÂs a reason why the emergency signs on the walls of the Santiago Bernabeu are organisational charts rather than exit-arrows.
Real MadridâÂÂs BAP (Blame Avoidance Plan) for this year sees Florentino Pérez as the big, fat fairy on top of the tree but with a number of easily disposable branches below him.
Such as the no.1 Vice-president, no.2 Vice-president, Secretary to the Board, Director General, Director General of the Presidency, Sporting Director and Chief Minion - a role played this time round by Zinedine Zidane.
As always, the thorny issue of who will be in charge of the hiring and firing of the footballers is still fairly fluid, with Valdano claiming that âÂÂwe will only sign the players that the coach likes.âÂÂ
The new sporting director, Miguel Pardeza, feels that âÂÂmany of us will participate in making the decisions.âÂÂ
Pellegrini himself isn't fussed either way: âÂÂDude, IâÂÂm just in this for the payoff after six months,â he didn't say.
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