Neil Ruddock: Ask A Silly Question
Good afternoon, Raisin.
Yeah, Razor. Good afternoon.
What colour pants are you wearing today, Raisin?
I’ve gone commando.
Always commando, son, I like to be loose and full of juice.
Erm… woul… er…
Your nuts should be nice and firm, you know…
Erm… let’s move on. Do you reckon you could ‘do’ Chuck Norris?
The martial arts actor? No problem. He’s about 60 now. I’d just kick him in the spuds and as he goes down, I’d snap his leg and kick him right under the bridge of the nose.
Take that, Beardy!
Yeah. Chuck goes down in six seconds tops.
Could you beat up a grizzly bear?
I am a grizzly bear, only I’m a lovely one.
What if a nasty one came along, giving you some eyeball and calling you a gimp?
Calling me a gimp? Well, I’d s*** my pants.
But you don’t wear pants...
Well, I’d s*** my trousers. Actually, I’d kick it in the spuds too, but then I’d scarper.
Bears wearing running shoes can shift a bit…
Oh bollocks. Well I’d climb a tree. Can they climb trees too?
This one can – and look at the size of the f***er’s teeth!
S***. Well can he swim?
Well, I’m f***ed, aren’t I? Never start a fight with a grizzly bear, that’s my advice.
Have you ever considered getting your old chap pierced?
What magazine’s this going in?
FourFourTwo – we’re dumbing down a touch, it’s what the punters want...
This ain’t one of my mates winding me up is it, ’cos if it is, they got me magnificent...
No we’re a proper journalist, Raisin – porkpie hat, notepad and all. Now, that Prince Albert…
No, I’ve not had it done. It’d sting, wouldn’t it? And when you went for a piss you wouldn’t know which hole it would come out of.
What’s your favourite swearword?
Ooh, good question. [Thinking hard] Well, I don’t swear very often, but it’s got to be ‘bollocks’. [Gets very excited and begins to shout] BOLLOCKS! I do love that word. I hope you’re going to blank all the swearing out?
Yeah. What do you keep in your shed?
F*** me… What do I keep in my shed?
Have you got a shed?
Yeah, but if I say I keep something nice in there it’ll just get robbed, won’t it?
Don’t worry, Raisin, robbers don’t read FourFourTwo.
Alright then, I keep my safe in there, lots of expensive art work, all my cash and my golf clubs. Nah, to tell you the truth, I don’t know what’s in there. That’s my gardener’s job.
Alright, well finally, could you drown a small bag of kittens in a river for cash?
No. Hang on, how much cash?
Is it cash?
Cash or Luncheon Vouchers? Your choice…
I’d think about the cash. Would it be in a bag on the riverbank next to this bag of cats?
In a briefcase, no less, and no one would see you drown the little critters.
No one would know? Bring them on, then! Hang about, how many kittens?
What are their names?
Derek, Marvin, Growler and Little Timothy.
Aww, Growler sounds like such a lovely little kitten. Why are we drowning them anyway? Don’t the owners want them?
No, they’re surplus to requirements, and they don’t smell too good. Been in this bag for almost a year…
Well the £100,000 would come in handy, and if no one knows, what’s the problem?
Just our little secret, Raisin.
Then it’s a deal.
Interview: Nick Harper. From December 2005 issue of FourFourTwo. Subscribe!