New Cardiff City kit to be giant penis costume

The football club formerly known as the Bluebirds are going through some big, phallic changes, as Back of the Net's John Foster explains...

Controversy has erupted around Cardiff City, after the club’s owners announced that their players will no longer wear the club’s traditional blue shirts, and as of next season will take the field dressed as giant penises.

A statement issued by Malaysia-based Berjaya Group, owners of the south Wales club since 2010, confirmed that Cardiff are to drop the blue shirts they have worn for over 100 years in favour of a new penis-based design, a move they say represents “a bold new strategy for the brand.”

“The giant penis costumes’ girth, olive colouring, and thick, distinctive veins will make them unmistakable,” explained club chief executive Alan Whiteley.

“We forsee these giant penis costumes becoming the new must-have item in Cardiff, and in Malaysia, and eventually, all over the world,” he continued. “I look forward to the first home game of next season, when our penis-costumed players will be greeted by a passionate sea of giant penises roaring them on from the stands.”

The penis is symbolically important in Malaysia, where it is associated with courage, fertility, and luck, in contrast to the now-abandoned colour blue.

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“Unlike the penis, blue symbolises many things that we wish to distance ourselves from,” confirmed Whitely. “Such as melancholy, coldness, passivity, and the heritage and traditions of Cardiff City Football Club.”

Fans’ groups have been quick to object to the proposals, stating that the penis costumes are “totally inappropriate”.

“Dressing up our players as penises is nothing short of an outrage, and shows a profound ignorance of this club’s history”, a supporters’ club spokesman told FourFourTwo.com.

“Anyone who watched Cardiff’s performance in the playoffs last season, or two seasons ago, or the season before that, would know that this club has absolutely no penis to speak of.”

Berjaya Group have also instigated a new motto, “Fire and Blood”, which critics have pointed out is the same as House Targaryen’s motto in hit HBO series Game of Thrones.

“It’s a great show,” said Whitely, responding to the claims. “Intelligently plotted and lavishly designed, but also packed with gratuitous nudity. Everyone at Berjaya loves it.

“Where do you think we got the inspiration for the penises?”

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation and all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

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