Which Barcelona player thinks he's Matt Le Tissier?
How does Gordon Strachan make professional footballers groan with two short words?
Which Liverpool legend gets Kenny Dalglish round to fix his computer?
And did Edgar Davids ever have trouble with his goggles steaming up?
All these questions and more are answered in the New Year issue of FourFourTwo, on sale now.
The cover star is Cristiano Ronaldo, with our experts answering a few more questions: What impact has he had in Spain? How much have Manchester United missed him? And can he win the World Cup for Portugal?
Carlo Ancelotti invites James "AC Jimbo" Richardson into his office as the Chelsea gaffer brews up, shows off his English swearwords and tries to arch his eyebrow for the photographer.
In a 36-page supplement, we look back at Spain 82 Ã¢ÂÂ bubble perms, Schumacher's horror challenge, young Norman Whiteside, the greatest losers ever and Enzo Bearzot's pipe.
And we're bang up to date with a 20-page special on the Africa Cup of Nations, analysing the teams, fans and history while interviewing Zidan, Okocha and Pele.
As ever, there's too much to tell you about.
There's the five stories that shook 2009 - from the Arab invasion to the Hillsborough anniversary via the Kakuta scandal. There's Frankie Boyle explaining why footballers "might as well f*** each other."
There's the 11 reasons why the Bundesliga's brilliant. There's a More Than A Game on the Mersey derby. There's the collection of the best photos of the decade.
And there's our unrivalled access to an unparalleled number of football people.
For this issue, we've spoken to Carlo Ancelotti, Frankie Boyle, Damian Casalinuovo, Frank Clark, Mark Cooper, Edgar Davids, Alan Davies, Dan Gosling, Lee Harper, Alan Hansen, Xavi Hernandez, Zavon Hines, Bradley Johnson, Kevin Kilbane, Andy King, Simon Kuper, Paul Le Guen, Dean Lewington, Allan Moore, Gary Mabbutt, Paul Mariner, Jay Jay Okocha, Abedi Pele, Paul Peschisolido, Hope Powell, Cyrille Regis, Reuben Reid, Arjen Robben, Leroy Rosenior, Luiz Felipe Scolari, Craig Short, Gordon Strachan, Mauricio Taricco, Ciaran Toner and Mohamed Zidan.
FourFourTwo: People who know football...