Rambling Van Gaal speech includes admission of murder

Manchester United’s end-of-year awards ceremony saw Louis van Gaal confess to killing a managerial rival in 1994, writes Back of the Net...

The Dutch tactician stole the limelight when he commandeered the microphone and began to speak, initially making good-natured jokes but gradually descending into an emotive Dostoevsky-esque monologue.

Having made successful jibes about some of his players and commended the saxophonist, a clearly intoxicated Van Gaal started to reveal some previously unknown details about his former life as a manager.

“[laughter] Reminds me of the time we kill [killed] [former PSV manager] Aad de Mos,” Van Gaal said to fewer laughs. “You know, he was good [manager], and we were at Ajax so we had to win. So, we... butcher him. You know, like actually kill him.

“You never really think about how heavy a human body is. But then you’re out there in the moonlight with a shovel and you swear you’re going to do a hernia just getting him in the hole,” the Dutchman said with a nervous chuckle, tears streaming down his cheeks.

As the mood in the hall began to change, Van Gaal won back the audience, making a quip about Ryan Giggs’s chest hair to universal acclaim. 

“So, anyway, basically [it] was good season, looking forward to next season, and forever haunted by that fateful night in a field near Utrecht,” Van Gaal concluded to resounding applause.

While some have suggested that his confession may jeopardise his preparations for next season, his speech seems to have increased his popularity with the players.

“The gaffer’s speech was great; really funny,” Michael Carrick told FourFourTwo. “We were all in stitches, especially that impression he did of Raddy [Radamel Falcao] sitting morosely on the bench. 

“Not so certain about the whole tortured confession of gnawing internal turmoil, but maybe I just didn’t get it. Keano [Roy Keane] would’ve liked it.”

Police have indicated that they will open an investigation into Van Gaal’s claims but admit it’ll be hard to find anyone who can remember who managed PSV in 1994 without using Wikipedia.

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