The Rather Rude Primera Predictions: Part 2

EspanyolJust to start this blog on a rare serious point, last season couldn’t really have started much worse for Espanyol having lost Dani Jarque just before the campaign kicked off. So this time around the season to come is bound to be a better one for the Perico fans in the stands, no matter how uninspiring things may look for them out on the pitch.

And in that particular regard it is very much a ‘meh’ shoulder shrug of complete indifference for Espanyol, this year - the kind given to the often invisible blog whenever it tries to order anything in any bar, anywhere in Spain.

The rodent-faced, pouch-possessing, super-sulk Raúl Tamudo has taken his wheel and big bag of bolshiness to Real Sociedad whilst knackered old former prancing pony, Ivan de la Peña, must be on the point of being melted down and turned into glue.

Mirroring last year’s goal-shy campaign, the Espanyol forward line continues to have as much chance as scoring as Mesut Ozil on a bad hair day - although the ‘Pichichi’ from last season, Osvaldo, is still knocking around having scored a titanic seven, last season (although the Argentinean-Italian only joined in the winter window, to be fair).

To remedy this worrying situation, Espanyol have been chasing after Betis forward, Sergio García, with a box of donuts and a copy of Wild Things for a number of weeks now in the hope of luring the fun-loving forward home to his native Barcelona.

LLL Prediction - 11th


With the blog having already caught Getafe in action against APOEL in their Europa League qualifier, LLL has a rather worrying multi-leveled dream vision of the future for the Coliseum club: Javier Arizmendi to blast endless chances over the bar until the sun burns itself out. New striker, Adrián Colunga to forever scamper about the pitch in a well-meaning, but utterly pointless manner. Miguel Torres to venture into the opposition half only to have the biggest of wig-outs. And club president Angel Torres  and Míchel the manager to squabble over the sale of his son for an eternity.

Then again, la Primera this year is full of the poopiest clubs in its history (see the two teams below) so those brave battlers in Getafe will probably be just fine. But not sixth like last season.

LLL Prediction - 8th


One of the most irritating features of la Liga - aside from Diego Capel - is the complete unwillingness of those running it to set kick-off times more than a week in advance. However, this isn’t an issue for newly-promoted Hércules, as their matches are fixed some time in advance.

The summer time scandal which broke which suggested that the club’s owner, Enrique Ortiz, had a helping hand from an opposition keeper in their rise to la Primera last season has been officially ‘archived’ by the league’s Disciplinary Committee who cite a lack of evidence in the case - a most unfortunate decision which leaves the club under a cloud of suspicion and without the ability to clear it with the breeze of justice having, er, blown itself out.

All this sees Hércules fulfilling the Betis madcap club role for LLL that Xerez did so well, last season. And it’s easy to see why with a glance at the squad photographs in the wonderful Marca guide - a selection of images that could easily have been lifted from a redneck school year book.

Whilst Manchester United have chosen to sign a footballer that was once homeless in Bebe, Hércules' ranks include one who still is, with bench-sleeping former Valencia man Rufete returning to la Primera. Also in the Alicante squad is someone called Matias Fritzler - a forward who looks like a mediaeval bumpkin who would have been wearing a hat with bells on some 700 years ago.

Then there’s Javier Portillo, the former Real Madrid reject who is still sporting the same insane mullet that saw him kicked out of the Bernabeu in 2005. But topping of this list of loons is a midfielder of the name of Francisco Femenía Far. 

LLL Prediction - 19th


This is insane. Levante are supposed to be bankrupt. In fact, LLL suspects they are. But as complete financial incompetence and shafting your fellow teams by not keeping up with transfer installments carries the same weight as smoking bans and traffic lights in Spain, Levante limp on and are back in la Primera.

Not for long though.

LLL Prediction - 20th


Now this is going to be interesting. Not the idea of a billionaire Sheikh buying a Spanish football team and failing to buy anyone remotely exciting with the cash, but the fact that there is going to be an actual, breathing, woman looking after the affairs of a club in what is an extremely male environment.

New Málaga owner, Abdullah Al-Thani has appointed Yasmin Al-Sahoud to represent his good, very rich self at the club and look after the institution’s affairs. LLL imagines this also includes attending games and sitting next to the opposition team’s president - a collection of preeners and downright pervs if ever there was one in la Primera.

Former Porto boss, Jesualdo Ferreira, hasn’t really come up with any inspirational zingers since taking over Málaga so don’t expect anything too thrilling on the pitch except basic competence - although this might be called 'Champions League form' in la Liga, this year, come to think of it.

Instead, enjoy the sight of multi-chinned Deportivo president, Augusto Lendoiro, marking the visit of Málaga to La Coruña in red in his diary and slipping into that slinky corset and his pulling pants for the occasion of an actual lady visiting his presidential box.

LLL Prediction - 9th

Part One:  Athletic Bilbao, Barcelona, Deportivo, Atletico Madrid & AlmeriaPart Three: Mallorca, Osasuna, Racing Santander, Real Madrid & Real Sociedad Part Four: Sevilla, Sporting, Valencia, Villarreal & Zaragoza

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