Ronaldo is a rat, Van Persie is a pig, Terry is a monkey and Barton is a dog
Before FourFourTwo's lawyers adopt the brace position, we should point out that this is according to the Chinese calendar, not us. So there...
Yes, today is Chinese New Year - and this is now Year of the Goat. To celebrate, FFT decided to discover the animal 'signs' of some of football's biggest names.
Confusingly, Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain isn't an Ox (he's a rooster), Razvan Rat isn't a rat (another rooster), Shaun Goater isn't a goat (he's a dog), and Radamel Falcao isn't a donkey (because there is no donkey sign).
We jest, of course. The Colombian - also known as El Tigre - has got in right. The Manchester United striker, born in February 1986, is apparently a tiger. So it's not all bad.
Here are some more findings from FFT's extensive research...
Goat
"Have a calm nature and an intellectual approach; they seek aesthetic beauty and are artistic, well-mannered and compassionate, yet detached and resigned to their condition."
Andrea Pirlo - 19/05/79
Jack Wilshere - 01/01/92
Horses
"Productive, enthusiastic, independent, engaging, dynamic, honourable, loyal and protective, but can also be rash, rebellious, quarrelsome, anxious, disagreeable or stubborn."
Rio Ferdinand - 07/11/78
Eden Hazard - 07/01/91
Snakes
"Possess endurance and application, with slow accumulation of energy, meticulous at planning but tending to hold fixed opinions."
Gareth Bale - 16/07/89
Thomas Muller - 13/09/89
Dragons
"Intense and powerful individuals capable of great good, who make great leaders but are rather unpredictable."
Diego Costa - 07/10/88
Alexis Sanchez - 19/12/88
Rabbits
"Have a calm nature and an intellectual approach; they seek aesthetic beauty and are artistic, well-mannered and compassionate, yet detached and resigned to their condition."
Arturo Vidal - 22/05/87
Lionel Messi - 24/06/87
Tigers
"Productive, enthusiastic, independent, engaging, dynamic, honourable, loyal and protective, but can also be rash, rebellious, quarrelsome, anxious, disagreeable or stubborn."
Radamel Falcao - 10/02/86
Luis Suarez - 24/01/87
Oxen
"Possess endurance and application, with slow accumulation of energy, meticulous at planning but tending to hold fixed opinions."
Wayne Rooney - 24/10/85
James Milner - 04/01/86
Rats
"Intense and powerful individuals capable of great good, who make great leaders but are rather unpredictable."
Cristiano Ronaldo - 05/05/85
Carlos Tevez - 05/02/85
Pigs
"Have a calm nature and an intellectual approach; they seek aesthetic beauty and are artistic, well-mannered and compassionate, yet detached and resigned to their condition."
Robin van Persie - 06/08/83
Adnan Januzaj - 05/02/95
Dogs
"Productive, enthusiastic, independent, engaging, dynamic, honourable, loyal and protective, but can also be rash, rebellious, quarrelsome, anxious, disagreeable or stubborn."
Joey Barton - 02/09/82
Raheem Sterling - 08/12/94
Roosters
"Possess endurance and application, with slow accumulation of energy, meticulous at planning but tending to hold fixed opinions."
Zlatan Ibrahimovic - 03/10/81
Harry Kane - 28/07/93
Monkeys
"Intense and powerful individuals capable of great good, who make great leaders but are rather unpredictable."
John Terry - 07/12/80
Thibaut Courtois - 11/03/92
But if you thought the fun ended there, you were dead wrong.
With the handy guide below, you - YES YOU - can find out your favourite footballer's animal.
18/02/1977 - 06/02/1978: Snake
07/02/1978 - 27/01/1979: Horse
28/01/1979 - 15/02/1980: Goat
16/02/1980 - 04/02/1981: Monkey
05/02/1981 - 24/01/1982: Rooster
25/01/1982 - 12/02/1983: Dog
13/02/1983 - 01/02/1984: Pig
02/02/1984 - 19/02/1985: Rat
20/02/1985 - 08/02/1986: Ox
09/02/1986 - 28/01/1987: Tiger
29/01/1987 - 16/02/1988: Rabbit
17/02/1988 - 05/02/1989: Dragon
06/02/1989 - 26/01/1990: Snake
27/01/1990 - 14/02/1991: Horse
15/02/1991 - 03/02/1992: Goat
04/02/1992 - 22/01/1993: Monkey
23/01/1993 - 09/02/1994: Rooster
10/02/1994 - 30/01/1995: Dog
31/01/1995 - 18/02/1996: Pig
19/02/1996 - 06/02/1997: Rat
07/02/1997 - 27/01/1998: Ox
Happy New Year to all FFT's Chinese (and animal loving) readers!
Thank you for reading 5 articles this month* Join now for unlimited access
Enjoy your first month for just £1 / $1 / €1
*Read 5 free articles per month without a subscription
Join now for unlimited access
Try first month for just £1 / $1 / €1
Get FourFourTwo Newsletter
The best features, fun and footballing quizzes, straight to your inbox every week.