Tevez shocked to hear semi-final has two legs

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Tevez shocked to discover semi-final has two legs

Hotheaded striker Carlos Tevez was today regretting his aggressive celebration of Manchester City’s win over his former club Manchester United, after friends explained how a two-legged match worked.

Tevez, who was released by United last year after previously being on the books of West Ham and also being owned by some businessman for reasons nobody understands, wasted no time in making his point after bagging a brace of goals against his former employers.

He made a defiant gesture at ex-teammate Gary Neville, stirred up the home fans in anti-United chanting, and is rumoured to have given Wes Brown a wedgie and wished Ryan Giggs a "crappy birthday."

Tevez kept up the gloating in the days that followed, taunting Neville with the made-up insult "sock-sucker," gloating that he was "with the right club," and changing his voicemail message to:

"This is the phone of Carlos Tevez, who made United pay with a pair of goals to win the Manchester derby. Please leave a message."


But the fiery Argentinian was reeling today after discovering that City still have to play a second leg and will almost certainly not go through to the final after all.

"What the hell?!" a dismayed Tevez told a press conference.

"So, actually, my two goals will most likely count for nothing as Wayne Rooney inspires United to a 3-0 win in the second leg? Well, you could have told me before I went waving my dick around and boasting.

"The whole point of me doing all that was that we’d proved our point and knocked United out. If I’d known that was only half of the tie, and United are pretty much unbeatable at home, I would have piped down a bit."

Fumbling in his jacket pocket, Tevez went on to ask reporters: "Who do I speak to, to get this second leg ‘cancelled’, if you know what I mean? Do you think they might be... persuadable?"

When it was explained to Tevez that second legs have long been an indispensable part of English football, ensuring that players are exhausted in time for more important tournaments and the Carling Cup loses any tension it would have had, Tevez shook his head in impatience, but was soon back to his bullish best.

"We are not scared of United," he said. "We will finish the job and beat them because I love this club and want to make the fans proud. And if not, then I’ll do it with whoever the hell I play for next season."

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