Cunning old goat that he is, Pep Guardiola has lowered expectations to such an extent that a Jens Lehmann hat-trick in a 3-0 defeat against Stuttgart on Tuesday would be a fine result for his Dream Boys.
The Barcelona bossâ press conferences post-Racing and pre-Stuttgart have contained more shrugs, sulks, tuts, and monosyllabic responses than La Liga Loca trying to explain the offside rule.
AS may have praised BarcelonaâÂÂs âÂÂinsulting superiorityâ over SaturdayâÂÂs Cantabrian opponents, but Guardiola was having none of it â grumbling that the side âÂÂlacked rhythmâ in the 4-0 win, gave the ball away too easily and were still in their apathetic Atlético Madrid funk.
PepâÂÂs complaints have been echoed by Barcelona übermeister Johan Cruyff, who joins in what sports journalists love to describe as âÂÂmind gamesâ and writes in El Periódico that the Racing performance was âÂÂthe worst under Pep Guardiola.âÂÂ
The Dutchman sniffs that only one of the goals was fully deserved - that of Rafa Márquez - as the others were either defensive errors from Racing or a jammy deflection in ThiagoâÂÂs case.
âÂÂPep did appear to be the only culé who was not happy with the 4-0,â notes Joan Battle in Sport, responding to CruyffâÂÂs criticism. âÂÂThe players have been warned.âÂÂ
Alexander Hleb, currently on loan at Stuttgart and enjoying another stunning post-Arsenal campaign of 19 league starts and zero goals, says that his current team have about a âÂÂ10% chanceâ against Barcelona.
Jens Lehmann, meanwhile, is quite certain that the German side will prevail on the perfectly legitimate grounds that they are... well... German.
The goalkeeperâÂÂs expected inclusion in StuttgartâÂÂs starting line-up has allowed Spanish TV to put together his best blunders over the years and his infamous in-match comfort break - all to a Charlie Chaplin-style soundtrack - ensuring that mad Lens is sure to play a blinder against Barcelona.
Does the goalie want a wee-wee?
Over in Capital City the obsession with all things Cristiano Ronaldo shows no sign of going away anytime soon.
La Liga Loca once asked a friend whether he thought a Spanish player could be openly gay in La Liga. His response was to literally shudder, shake his head in horror and declare that there is not a cheesecakeâÂÂs chance in ManicheâÂÂs fridge that any Spanish footballer could ever be gay. Ever.
This is certainly not the case with SpainâÂÂs football journalists who collectively have the biggest of man crushes of Real MadridâÂÂs Portuguese ponce.
(And for the purposes of full disclosure, La Liga LocaâÂÂs own metrosexual obsessions in recent years have been Fabio Cannavaro, Pep Guardiola and a current worryingly weird thing for JoaquÃÂn Caparrós).
AS have plastered a graphic of Ronaldo in TuesdayâÂÂs edition with a detailed muscle-by-muscle breakdown of the forwardâÂÂs physical supremacy, with particular attention afforded to his groin.
âÂÂI call it âÂÂThe TomahawkâÂÂ,â says the paperâÂÂs headline with Ronaldo discussing the name of his free-kick against Villarreal. But it could well refer to something completely different and just as precious to the Portuguese player.
Phwooar, etc
âÂÂEvery day, his presence grows,â sighs TuesdayâÂÂs Marca as it skips through fields of petals. âÂÂReal Madrid have found in Cristiano Ronaldo a legendary footballer."
His other âÂÂlegendaryâ attributes of being preening, pouting, self-centred, sulky and to teamwork what Jesús Navas is to travel-writing grew ever stronger too on Monday, with footage broadcast of Ronaldo and Xabi Alonso squabbling over who would take the penalty with Madrid 5-2 up.
âÂÂCris, let me take it,â pleaded the Spanish midfielder, âÂÂI havenâÂÂt scored yet.âÂÂ
Eventually, Ronaldo relented, pouted like nobodyâÂÂs business, walked off in a huff and ignored AlonsoâÂÂs goal celebrations after he successfully converted the spot-kick.
CR9 â loved by the fans, adored by the media, hated by his team-mates. Except Kaká, probably.
I love you, man... click to watch
Professor Champions League previews Stuttgart-Barça (and Olympiacos-Bordeaux)
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