Magath applying cheese to broken heart

Ex-Fulham boss Felix Magath has been getting over his dismissal by clutching a piece of Limburger tightly to his chest, Back of the Net can exclusively reveal...

Magath was sacked last week with the Cottagers having picked up just one point all season, and the former Bayern Munich boss has been forced to console himself with a delicious semi-soft dairy product.

"Things didn't work out at Fulham, but thanks to cheese I'll get over it in no time," he told FourFourTwo. "Cheese soothes the nervous system, reduces stress, increases serotonin levels and goes very well with pickles."

Magath blamed Fulham's poor results on his players' unwillingness to accept that cheese has magical properties. He said: "When I came in, the players were relying on old-fashioned diets like pasta, fresh vegetables and isotonic drinks.

"I quickly banned all that nonsense and got them eating, drinking and breathing cheese instead. But they weren't prepared to listen to me, were they? Only cheese listens to me. Cheese is the only friend I've got left."

Since the German's departure, former players have been recounting tales of being forced to consume a kilo of cheese before running six miles, only to find that Magath had replaced their water bottles with a block of Edam and some Parmesan shavings.

Former club captain Brede Hangeland left the club after refusing to allow his thigh injury to be treated with quark, while World Cup star Bryan Ruiz was frozen out for declaring a preference for yoghurt.

Mystery still surrounds the whereabouts of the lactose-intolerant Alexander Kacaniklic, who was kept behind one day for "extra training" and has not been seen since.

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