With the UK election campaign in full swing, many voters are less than impressed with the choices on offer. Chas Newkey-Burden imagines an election contested by leading gaffers...
Strengths: Say what you like about the controversial Chelsea gaffer, but he's solid as a rock in defence. So ISIS could sod off for a start. With his Portuguese wit and willingness to hurl insults around, he'd be great value at Prime Minister’s Questions.
Weaknesses: Jose is a monumental spender, so his first budget alone would probably put us in the Greek zone. And with his shady contacts in Moscow, he'd be unlikely to risk reform of non-doms.
Campaign slogan: Because Britain deserves The Special One.
Strengths: Rodgers’ ability to shake things up and blood young talent suggests he'd hit the ground running as PM, in the manner of Tony Blair’s breathless first 100 days. His “death by football” philosophy could change our foreign policy for the better.
Weaknesses: Pompous and prone to overestimating his ability, the David Brent of football would probably run a good campaign with colour-coded files and corporate slogans but then fall flat on his face the moment he took office. For instance, the first thing a PM has to do is go to the Palace, and Rodgers has shown he’s not very good at that.
Campaign slogan: I can make that dream come true too, AKA, for you.
Strengths: Wenger, who has a degree in economics, has shown he can run a tight ship and keep things ticking over during prolonged austerity. He speaks six languages – French, German, Japanese, Spanish, Italian and English – so he’d go down a storm at the United Nations.
Weaknesses: Critics say he is out of touch with modern politics and that he will never live up to his best years, which were during the Blair era. A stubborn operator, he would make Maggie Thatcher seem a beacon of consultation and consensus politics.
Campaign slogan: A little bit of hope.
Strengths: The Chilean’s stoical manner would reassure a shaky nation. He has a degree in civil engineering, so would be big on transport policy. With close contacts in the Middle East, he could enhance our relations with that turbulent region. His loyalty to players suggests he’d favour a stable front bench.
Weaknesses: Widely suspected to be a one-campaign wonder. With questions marks over his recruitment policy at the Etihad, the mind boggles over what the collective age of his cabinet would be. No one wants old men with their fingers near the nuclear button.
Campaign slogan: Vote for this charming man.