FIFA presidential candidates each left at different entrance to dungeon
The battle to become the new FIFA president has begun in earnest, as the five contenders, each armed with just a sword and a bag of provisions, prepare to enter the Zürichberg Labyrinth.
Every four years, the ageless warlock Blatter challenges the bravest adventurers in the land to fight him in his shadowy lair, where he sits atop a vast hoard of gold coins and corporate sponsorships.
Each of the five challengers will begin from a separate entrance to the rock-hewn subterranean maze, which was constructed at a cost of 240 million Swiss francs.
Whether they find themselves in the Pit of Horrors, the Shadow Chamber, or the Corridor of Uncertainty, they will have to make their way through a series of booby-trapped rooms, defeating bands of kobolds, troglodytes and the elite Executive Committee of zombie warriors, before coming face to face with the dungeon master Blatter himself.
The wizened lich lord is said to be as impervious to non-magical weapons as he is to criticism, and half-elf cleric Luis Figo is under no illusions about the size of the quest he is taking on.
"It won't be easy in there", the former Barcelona and Real Madrid ace told FourFourTwo, "Mr Blatter has experience and incumbency on his side, not to mention armies of ghouls, goblins and lawyers, and all I have is a vision of profound institutional reform and my trusty longsword Hastomir."
"But I believe in myself, and the righteousness of my cause, and unlike my rivals, I can Cruyff turn the undead."
However, before Figo can fight Blatter one-on-one, he will have to see off the other would-be FIFA presidents, including Jordanian spellcaster Prince Ali bin al-Hussein and chaotic bard David Ginola, assuming they all make it past the night orcs, the river of fire and Jerome Champagne.
Whoever emerges triumphant will have to deal with the fallout from the recent corruption scandal, ongoing controversies over the 2022 World Cup in Qatar and what to do about rogue ExCo member Kharrizoth the Unholy, who is threatening once again to enslave the world under his banner of everlasting darkness.