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9 hugely disappointing club record signings

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3. Fernando Torres, Chelsea, £50m

Fernando Torres

URGENT: HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN? Late 20s; approximately 6ft 1in tall; hair like Sharon from EastEnders. Last seen in 2011 giving Nemanja Vidic nightmares, making life easy for football managers and being idolised by thousands of adoring fans. His final whereabouts are believed to have been recorded somewhere between the northwest of England and Stamford Bridge, West London, following a regrettable credit card binge to the tune of £50m. A reward (payable in rubles) is on offer for his return.

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