What if football personalities did The Apprentice? FourFourTwo imagines…

It’s that time of year again: when over-confident clots compete in business battles, as Lord Sugar – scarcely able to conceal his crushing boredom – looks on. Chas Newkey-Burden imagines what would happen if football folk joined the fray...

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Harry Kane

The archetypal underestimated candidate. At the start, everyone assumes he’s a bit dim but he turns out to be a shrewd, lethal operator.

Graeme Le Saux

Would be the posh, well-educated candidate who Lord Sugar particularly relishes nailing to the wall in the boardroom.

Arsene Wenger

The Gunners boss would absolutely romp home in the shopping round, when candidates have to buy everything on a list as cheaply as possible. He would ultimately finish fourth, treating the outcome as a significant triumph.

Arsene Wenger

"£3.50 per item, you say? OK, £1.50 it is"

Zlatan Ibrahimovic

The self-assured striker would be in his element in the opening episode, when the candidates introduce themselves with un-self-aware, arrogant brags. “I can’t help but laugh at how perfect I am,” he’d say to the camera. Then, leaving the boardroom following his eventual firing, he would sniff: “I came like a hero, left like a legend.”

Terry Venables

Would fall out bitterly with Lord Sugar, sparking years of litigation.

Jack Wilshere

The pint-sized midfielder would miss most of the tasks after being rushed to hospital with a sprained ankle. Would eventually stumble into the boardroom, slurring about the opposing team: “What d’ya fink of Synergy?”

Jose Mourinho

Task one: winner. Task two: winner. Task three: fired.

Jose Mourinho

"Er, no. Nobody sacks Jose. Except maybe Jose"

Joey Barton

The motor-mouth would court controversy and generally fall out with everyone, like a slightly more masculine Katie Hopkins.