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Kelly Osbourne's recent diatribe against a 'fatist' society has fallen on deaf ears in Spain – exactly what people wish they possessed every time the portly popster opens her mouth to sing, as it happens.

This isn't because of the local custom of everyone speaking at the same time, without listening to what anyone else is saying, but because there is still far too much fun to be had poking fun at the titan of tapas, Ronaldinho.

On Wednesday, Sport, published a grubby photo of d'inho on the beach, in a pair of dodgy Speedos, running against a giant rubber band being held by another gentleman sporting dodgy Speedos.

The Barcelona barmy paper has either landed quite a scoop on a brand new side to the midfielder's private life or they have uncovered evidence of Ronaldinho's 'pre-season' as described by El Pais, who write that 'officially, he is out with tendonitis'.

Joan Laporta is another man concerned with the weighty issue of his prize possession. The Kind of Catalunya is pictured in AS staring intently at Ronaldinho's abs, having asked the titanic tubster to lift his shirt up for him.

All in all it's all very undignified, thinks Frank Rijkaard, in a very jovial mood on Wednesday. "Ronaldo was a fatty," said the mischievous manager "but I see Ronaldinho every day and he's fine". "Not that I have a problem with fat players," continued Rijkaard, on his rolly-polly rant, "as long as they are great fat players."

Onto slightly more serious matters and Deportivo reserve keeper, Gustavo Munúa, narrowly escaped a six month prison sentence, for smashing Dudu Aouate in the face a couple of weeks ago.

The penalty was the original punishment for the Depor player, but the judge later made it a suspended one and ordered the guilty party to pay a fine of 3600 Euros.

Poor old Dudu is still being left out of the Deportivo squad as he has yet to apologise to his teammates for having carelessly put his face into the path of Munúa's flying fist.

"Neither have fulfilled the conditions of the dressing room and apologised publicly," said Miguel Angel Lotina, who should be sacked for that comment nevermind having offered the football fans of Spain one of the most tedious teams in the league.

Wednesday night saw a couple of Copa del Rey quarter final, first legs. In the first, Valencia grabbed a 1-0 win over a ten man Atletico side that was 'disinterested' say El Pais and 'getting worse by the day' report AS.

The home side failed to get the sell out crowd they hoped for. And this is because the match was played at the insane time of 10 o'clock at night, claims Ronald Koeman. "If my son asked me to go to Mestalla at ten to see a game, I wouldn't let him," grumbled the Dutch destroyer. The fact that his side are a bit sh*t doesn't help either.

Getafe beat Mallorca, 1-0, in the other thrilling match at the Coliseum. And just 6,000 bothered to turn up, thanks to the 30 euros and rising ticket prices offered to most fans.

The "Thump! Thump! Buzzzz" noise coming from Spain is the sound of AS continuing to flog the 'Ronaldo to Real Madrid' dead horse, for the third day running. He "needs to come to Spain to win the 'Ballon d'or" were the reported words of his agent, according to AS who cited Fabio Cannavaro as a correct but at the same time completely incorrect example of what could happen to the Jacuzzi-jizzing superstar if he came to the Spanish capital.

Ideally the Real Madrid's time would be better spent trying to get their 36 million euros back from the Arjen Robben transfer. Harvesting his organs to oil billionaires with failing kidneys seems to be the best option, at the moment.

In the 'give him an Oscar before he pops his clogs' tradition of the film industry, UEFA are set to make country-swapping old timer, Alfredo di Stefano, a 'president of honour' at a ceremony in February. Which is nice.

Zaragoza's ex-midweek manager, Ander Garitano, has spoken out about his reason for quitting the post he held for a week before thinking better of it and jacking it in.

"Strictly personal," was the main reason given from the man who said that he didn't quite have the energy for it and wanted to quit on the Thursday. His departure was nothing to do with Andres d'Alessandro, of course, a player who blubbed in the dressing room after Sunday's match, having been booed off by the home fans.

Betis big cheese, Manuel Ruiz de Lopera has shown why he is the right man to lead the club forward into a bright, dazzling future. "I wouldn't change the Betis squad for that of Espanyol or Racing Santander," boasted Andalusia's biggest loon, turning down the chance to field Raul Tamudo, Luis Garcia, Torrejon, Riera, Kameni, de la Peña, Garay, Munitis...