Angry Wenger insists Arsenal are still in title race until his diary says so

Arsene Wenger

Arsenal’s boss has a strict schedule for underachievement, Back of the Net reports.

Arsene Wenger has hit back at suggestions that Arsenal are out of title contention, stating emphatically that the Gunners can’t be counted out until the start of March.

Some sections of the media claimed that Arsenal waved goodbye to their hopes of Premier League glory when they lost to Chelsea, but Wenger has rejected such talk, insisting he had a date already pencilled in his diary for exiting the title race at the start of March.

I have had the date March 4 in my diary since pre-season. I’ve even scripted a curt speech in which I pay false compliments to Antonio Conte

- Arsene Wenger

“We’re not out of the title race until I say we are,” Wenger told FourFourTwo.

“And I have had the date March 4 in my diary since pre-season. I’ve even scripted a curt speech in which I pay false compliments to Antonio Conte and then insinuate that the referees are biased against us.

“I finish by rejecting speculation about my future and insisting that we will strengthen in the summer. But obviously we won’t – I don’t have to tell you that by now.”

Arsene Wenger

Helpful planning

Wenger proudly showed the gathered press pack his season plan consisting of the sections ‘stuttering start’, ‘resurgence’, ‘false hope’ and then ‘inevitable disappointment’.

The date Friday, February 10 was clearly marked ‘tell journalists we’re still in title until [see overleaf]’.

Wenger then proceeded to reveal that Arsenal’s withdrawal from the 2018/19 title race is provisionally scheduled for March 15, 2018 and that he should soon have the date for 2019/20.

“At first I was livid that we were out of contention not just for this year but next year too,” Arsenal fan Chris Thompson told FourFourTwo.

“But I have to concede that it is convenient to know in advance so I can schedule holidays. Plus I’m planning to cut up my season ticket in anger and don’t want to jump the gun on that.”

Arsenal supporters are expected to warn Wenger when they will turn against their team next season, to allow the manager to schedule his performances accordingly and avoid any embarrassing comebacks.

Please note: This fictional news story is not real. Like, obviously.

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