Emmanuel Macron? Pah! Which left-back would make the best Prime Minister?

Ashley Cole

France and Monaco both have left-backs as leaders. What about Britain?

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With the French populace electing Emmanuel Macron – named after Bolton’s stadium – and the revelation that le President is a former university-league left-back, there are now two No.3s as head of state: Prince Albert of Monaco also used to play there. But which former left-backs across la Manche might rip up the rule-book and sweep to power?

Graeme Le Saux

Age 48

Constituency history Chelsea, Blackburn, Southampton

More effective on the left than Jeremy Corbyn. Has been known to read a big newspaper, so probably knows about grown-up stuff. Popular with both the metropolitan elite (Chelsea) and the post-industrial wastelands (Blackburn). But he may be a little too close to Europe for Brexit Britain, what with having been born in the Channel Islands with a suspiciously French name. His middle name’s Pierre, for God’s sake – what would Farage say?

Graeme Le Saux

"Fetch me a big newspaper... bigger than that... bigger... no, that's too big"

Pat van den Hauwe

Age 56

Constituency history Birmingham, Everton, Tottenham, Millwall

Knows how to play the political game: Belgium-born and London-raised, he could have played for any of the Home Nations but opted for the Wales of his Toffees team-mates Neville Southall and Kevin Ratcliffe. Tasted newspaper attention by marrying the former Rolling Stones jailbait Mandy Smith. “Psycho Pat” wouldn’t be scared of the Commons cut-and-thrust, although he’d have to restrain himself from going in two-footed on the Leader of the Opposition.

Pat van den Hauwe

Pat: may need a new tailor (and a less monstrous agent)

Chris Powell

Age 47

Constituency history Crystal Palace, Aldershot, Southend, Derby, Charlton, West Ham, Watford, Leicester, Huddersfield

A far more popular leader than his namesake Enoch, Powell has already won one election – he was chairman of the PFA until his retirement as a player. Moving into management after hanging up his boots, he certainly looks good in a suit – but he would have to overcome an enormous taboo: is Britain ready for a Prime Minister who once played for West Ham?

Chris Powell

Vote Powell! But are the British people ready for a PM who isn't an absolute swine?