EuroKlopp: The weirdest and most wonderful odes to football's icons
In mainland Europe, you haven’t made it as a footballing superstar unless you have a Europop song written about you by a 'gifted' fan. Befitting his cult status, FFT's May 2015 cover star Jurgen Klopp has several.
Here’s our favourite tribute to Herr Kloppo and nine other football fan tunes of questionable quality...
The gleaming white teeth, the hair transplant, the glasses and the rock 'n' roll attitude – Klopp is the hippest man in the whole of Germany.
In the faraway days before Pep Guardiola became the Don of the Bundesliga, Matze Knop summed up the thoughts of a nation when he sung of his wish to be as cool as the Borussia Dortmund boss who, if our interpretation of the song is correct, is not just a touchline god but also the best person in the world at combining smart jackets with faded jeans.
There are many incredible things about this song – the glorious over-the-top chorus, the soft-rock section with the soaring Jon Bon Jovi-esque cry that ZZ burns “through the dark like a fire”, and an accompanying video which riffs on the Dead President mask-wearing bank raids in Point Break – vaya con Dios, Brah, as they say in Marseille. But perhaps the most mind blowing thing of all is that the list of the game's greatest superstars incanted throughout includes – alongside legends such as Eusebio, Johan Cruyff, Diego Maradona and Pele – Chelsea’s trusty centre-back Gary Cahill. Yes, really.
Whatever your personal feelings about Roma’s long-serving captitano, it is hard not be moved by this upbeat anthem which recalls the Europop majesty of The Cheeky Girls. As the second highest Serie A goalscorer of all time, Totti is an unstoppable footballing He-Man. Indeed, this video neither confirms nor denies our suspicion that Totti is in fact yet another alter-ego of Prince Adam, who is using the power of Greyskull to continue scoring goals until the end of eternity.
Perhaps it's the lethargic delivery, maybe it’s their rudimentary use of percussion, or possibly it's a chorus that just repeats his name as if that was melodic enough. Either way something tells us these particular Bavarians are not as enamoured with their tough-tackling defensive rock as they should be. Sure, they sing about him giving his all for the team, but where is the verse about his 2010 knee injury following a mid-air collision with an airplane drinks trolley?
Louis van Gaal
LVG may have had difficult relationships with the fans of many of his former clubs, but in his native Netherlands he is regarded as nothing less than a genius on a par with Van Gough, DJ Tiesto and the inventor of the doughnut. Here, a quartet of Orangemen vent their unswerving passion for the taciturn Amsterdammer with this cunning reworking of Neil Diamond’s Sweet Caroline. Warning: it takes a while for the chorus to kick in and once it does you may regret waiting.