Klopp to join whichever team doesn’t really want him
Sources who claim to be close to the 47-year-old have revealed that the German tactician will hold out for a new club that is suitably aloof and exudes an air of effortless nonchalance.
Klopp has been linked with more than 6,000 professional football clubs since announcing just over 24 hours ago that he will be leaving Borussia Dortmund.
However, acquaintances have revealed that the mere mention of each name has made him wrinkle his nose in scarcely contained disgust.
“The one thing the Kloppster [Jurgen Klopp] doesn’t want is some try-hard club approaching him with millions of pounds and a massive transfer budget. Just saying that makes me cringe,” a source fairly close to Klopp told FourFourTwo. “Please don’t tell him I called him the Kloppster.”
“He said how he’d be embarrassed for Manchester City if they approached him,” an occasionally nodding acquaintance added.
“He wouldn’t even want to be seen talking to them in public, just in case a cooler club like St Pauli saw.
“After that he refused to talk to me and turned up the music in his headphones so loud it drowned me out. I couldn’t make out what it was, but if I had he would have changed it immediately.”
While the traditional courting process for a coach remains delivering a dumper truck of unmarked bills at their door, Klopp may need to be approached differently.
“Jogi Bear [Jurgen Klopp] will be looking for a club to really demonstrate their complete indifference towards him before he becomes at all intrigued,” someone who met Klopp at a pop-up ice bar explained.
“The best way to lure him in would be to get a different coach and be completely happy with him. Maybe a club could then bump into Klopp a few times and ignore him completely, skulking off into the shadows moodily after briefly eyeing him up dismissively.”
Reports suggest that Arsenal may have already ruined their chances with Klopp by shambling up to him, offering to buy him a drink and whining that their current manager doesn’t understand them.