Sepp Blatter not even slightly arrested
A dawn raid by Swiss police saw a number of high-ranking FIFA figures taken into custody, not including Blatter, who has ruled football's governing body for 20 years from a position of unimpeachable innocence.
None of the executives indicted on charges of corruption and bribery have spoken publicly, except to confirm that they are not, nor have they ever been, 79-year-old Swiss men.
"We have uncovered a network of kickbacks and fraud that goes right to the top of FIFA," said a statement from Swiss prosecutors. "Except for Sepp Blatter, who is not even the tiniest bit involved in any way."
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The statement added that investigations were underway into money laundering in connection with the allocation of the 2018 and 2022 World Cups, that Blatter was the furthest thing from their minds and that they had not even thought about him once until just this very moment.
A spokesman for Blatter said: "Sepp is shocked at these allegations. Everything will carry on as normal." Amid calls for the FIFA presidential elections to be postponed, challenger Prince Ali bin al-Hussein, said: "Like I always tell my courtiers, it is unacceptable that one man should wield vast power while being accountable to no one. Only through electing me, the fifth in line to the Jordanian throne, can democracy be restored to FIFA."