Spurs planning “much more heartbreaking Champions League exit than that” club reassures fans
Tottenham’s players have told fans that they have no intention of being eliminated from the Champions League quickly and painlessly and will concoct a much more excruciating form of defeat.
The north London side appeared ready to surrender their European dreams in uncharacteristically unwrought fashion as they went 2-0 down to Juventus in quick time, but they bravely battled back to ensure they can go out in a much more devastating manner.
“We had to dig deep in Turin but we knew it wasn’t meant to end that way,” Dele Alli told FourFourTwo.
“It’s meant to end in a last-gasp heart-wrenching failure plucked from the grasp of victory in circumstances so unlikely that fans believe the very Gods despise them.
“As players, we will give everything we have to make sure that we give the fans the kind of Champions League exit that makes them sob in a crowded room and wake up in a cold sweat, bellowing at an illusory to Christian Eriksen to just play an illusory Harry Kane through.”
While Tottenham fans may have been panicking at 2-0 down after just nine minutes, manager Mauricio Pochettino was never in any doubt that his side would recover and save the supporters’ dreams of European glory only to smash them into a million cruel, jagged pieces at a later date.
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“This is a club with a proud tradition – a tradition of raising fans’ hopes unrealistically before dashing them repeatedly,” Pochettino told FourFourTwo.
“What’s the point in going down humanely 3-0 in Turin? That’s like ripping a plaster off instead of peeling it off slowly inch by inch, taking so long that by the time it’s detached gangrene has set in.
“We call that: The Spurs Way.”
While Pochettino wouldn’t confirm his vision for the club’s Champions League campaign, insiders suggest he intends to beat Juventus, then overcome Bayern, before throwing away a 4-0 first-leg lead against Real Madrid before Gareth Bale scores the winning goal in injury time with his left testicle, clearly offside.
Please note: This satirical story is not real. Incredible we have to say this, isn’t it?