Game Notes, 2046: An Odyssey
Marginally less picked over than the catering, Major League Soccer game notes are responsible for more dead trees than the Portland Timbers’ strike force. They are a delightfully obsessive interface between MLS teams and the stat-obsessed culture of American sports in general. If you’re not quite sure what you’re watching, there’s a comforting number somewhere that proves that you do.
But did you also know that the hard-working teams behind these matrices of fun-facts had also reached a critical mass of data during the two weeks after the last All-Star Game, with far-reaching consequences? That body of data now allows them to extrapolate all future game variables to infinity, provided of course Rocco Commisso does not succeed in his legal case to sue for custody of the No. 9.
Armed with this knowledge, FourFourTwo recently managed to swipe a pile of these documents from the pale, overworked fingers of a sleeping data jockey at MLS headquarters. And as a new season gets underway we’re proud to break our return journey from Vegas to offer you an exclusive glimpse of the future:
March 4, 2046 – 7:30ish p.m. ET
MLS Regular Season 2046 – Game 1
Southern Situation Park
Tallahassee Fragrance vs. Seattle Sounders (feat. San Jose Earthquakes, Washington Dampers, and the NASL)
Welcome to the second season of the Tallahassee Fragrance. The 2040 expansion team finished the 2040-45 season with a 64-37-69 record and qualification for the Concacaf Fluctuating Attendance League. Seven tifos were on point. Two were obscure. We will not see promotion or relegation in my lifetime.
Today’s visitors, Seattle Sounders (feat. San Jose Earthquakes, Washington Dampers, and the NASL), finished the 2040-45 season with a 50-60-60 record, but timed their playoff run with a 50-game winning streak starting in the summer of 2044. The team was eliminated from the playoffs on allocated minutes during the Conference of Conferences round, before winning MLS Cup on a video replay/old school eSpoRTs mashup.
Both teams will line up.
Injured: Andrea Pirlo™ (fuse), Anthony Local (scorch)
Suspended after next card: none
Seattle Sounders (feat. San Jose Earthquakes, Washington Dampers, and the NASL)
Suspended: The Ozzie Alonso Experience
Suspended after next card: Chris Wondolowski
- The Fragrance have won 3 out of 5 games when playing a single opponent since the arrival of goalkeeper Dave “Davey” Solidsson from the Norwegian Vestige League.
- Fragrance holding midfielder Francisco di D.C. won 73% of VAR challenges in low-aspect ratio, compared to a 53% league average in wide, and little-to-no 3D variance. He also leads the league in implicit self-restraint.
- Trent Electreaux and The Ozzie Alonso Experience played five games together as teammates during the 2037 Coachella Cup. They are a coveted emographic.
- Electreaux also needs three more defensive headers to pass the “Redoubtable” threshold and trigger his European release clause.
- Since losing out on a playoff spot in what came to be known as the “Confetti Choke” game last November, the Fragrance are unbeaten at the Situation.
- Chris Wondolowski scored 21 goals last season — the 33rd successive year the fresh-faced, evergreen, fox-in-the-box, poacher’s poacher has passed the 20-goal mark and garnered descriptions.
- Taylor Taylor Taylor crowned a meteoric rise for the Chillout-Room-at-the-Rave-Green in his debut half-decade last season, scoring 3 playoff goals and a World Series appearance for the U.S. men’s national team as the Americans raised the only World Championship trophy currently sanctioned in North America for a seventh consecutive time.
- Seattle Sounders (feat. San Jose Earthquakes, Washington Dampers, and the NASL) are 3 for 7 for 55 within all percentiles in conference. PLAY YOUR KIDS.
- The Chillout-Room-at-the-Rave-Green start today’s game with the disadvantage of away goals not counting, owing to the nine-way trade that sent Tony Tchani to the Philippines in 2019 in exchange for a second-round pick in the 2024 SuperDraft, an international waiver, and a sprinkling of 1990’s Gallic flair.
- The two teams last met in October 2043. Of the current rosters, only Chris Wondolowski played in that game, which the Tallahassee Fragrance won 1-0 thanks to an own goal by Andrew Local (no relation to Anthony — get well soon Anthony!)
- Until Miami’s team starts play in 2052 (subject to zoning out), Southern Situation Park is the 7th least northerly soccer specific stadium in North America, but 2nd least Northerly above sea level.
Consider yourself informed.