Of course your favorite MLS team has New Year's resolutions

MLS teams have an obvious goal: Win games. Come time to buy a new calendar, though, they're just like the rest of us.

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Each club spent tireless hours at work in the office this month hashing out their specific New Year’s resolutions with 2017 in view. This is how I imagine each team went about it.

Atlanta United

Let’s make sure the terrifying Death Star owner Arthur Blank is building removes those pesky trenches for enterprising rebel scum. It’s nearing Alderaan, after all.

Chicago Fire

To stop chasing overpriced Germans named Bastian Schweinsteiger into Manchester dinner spots. As a passing secondary concern, to figure out how to keep the ball on the ground in the build-up longer than a few seconds.

Colorado Rapids

Adding a feather to the handle of the hammer. If Pablo Mastroeni drafts another center back, the Rapids are going to turn into a physical work tool.

Columbus Crew

Save Gregg Berhalter. Whatever you do, Crew players, just save Gregg Berhalter’s job. The man is too pure to go out like this.

D.C. United

Remove the instructional Patches O’Houlihan dodgeball video from the locker room and maybe replace it with a Johan Cruyff VHS from the 1980’s.

FC Dallas

Construct titanium fencing around the FC Dallas practice fields and post armed guards outside to keep everyone in. Nobody leaves (for any transfer fee).

Houston Dynamo

Play Erick Torres. Send Eric Alexander to spring him out of coaching prison.

LA Galaxy

The Galaxy is recovering aged Designated Player addict. Time to go on the five-step FC Dallas Plan in 2017.

Minnesota United

Adrian Heath is on the sideline, which means it’s time to sign 12 more defenders than you think you need.

Montreal Impact

Learn to say in English what you can already say in French: The lines are too narrow, and the midfield is too old.

New England Revolution

Winslow Townson-USA TODAY Sports

Winslow Townson-USA TODAY Sports

Find a consistent babysitter for Diego Fagundez and find a way to get Kei Kamara to stop diagramming celebrations and start visualizing goals.


Perhaps it’s finally time to let Jack Harrison out of the gated retirement home and give him some under-65 friends.

New York Red Bulls

The Red Bulls need defensive help, which means it’s time to fire up our annual newsletter addressed to Harrison, New Jersey that Rafa Marquez is (still) not the answer.

Orlando City

Failing Jason Kreis finding the time to convince Garth Lagerwey Orlando is nicer than a dip in the Puget Sound, Orlando City’s attacker addiction needs specialist attention in 2017.

Philadelphia Union

The Union 2016 bank statement was almost blank. Maybe someone can convince dad to not be so frugal in 2017 and take the kids to Disney World.

Portland Timbers

Time to tell Darlington Nagbe to take the safety off and let it rip. Waiting for the guy bowling with bumpers to finish his round is always agonizing.

Real Salt Lake

Tell Dell Loy Hansen to take a ‘Defusing Office Tension’ course at the University of Utah and install daily, mandatory yoga classes for the front office.

San Jose Earthquakes

Ron Chenoy-USA TODAY Sports

Ron Chenoy-USA TODAY Sports

Dom Kinnear needs a defensive midfielder quota in 2017. Go over it and the front office automatically signs a Homegrown.

Seattle Sounders

Build an island in the middle of the Puget Sound for Nicolas Lodeiro’s mansion and never let him leave. Ever.

Sporting Kansas City

Send Peter Vermes a free round of anger management courses with a voucher for a free winger with each attended class.

Toronto FC

Vow to never build trophy cases for trophies you’ve not yet won. And ensure Sebastian Giovinco you’ll install new turf specifically for his feet.

Vancouver Whitecaps

Forget 2016. Just forget the whole thing ever happened. It’ll be better that way.

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