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West Ham players clearly brawling with one eye on the beach, complain fans

Andy Carroll

West Ham supporters have criticised their players for a lacklustre brawl that seemed to justify accusations that the team is no longer focused on this season.

Hammers players clashed with their Manchester United counterparts during a 0-0 draw at the London Stadium, but according to watching fans, their scuffles lacked the passion and bite that long-suffering season ticket holders paid good money to see.

"That shove from Andy Carroll was a disgrace," said lifelong Hammers fan Ron Clary, 58. "He was shoving like he was joshing about with his mates on holiday. We want to see proper shoving at West Ham, and if he's not prepared to put his back into it, he should look for a new club. 

"Mark Noble's no better, and we should expect much more from the captain," Clary continued. "He should be leading by example: one hand on Pogba's neck, the other hand poking him in the solar plexus.

"It doesn't matter if there's nothing left to play for, he should have enough pride to get stuck in. It's the West Ham way."

While many fans accepted that the intensity of the team’s scuffles would inevitably drop with Premier League safety secured, they insisted that they had the right to expect anyone in a claret and blue shirt to get a bit tasty whenever an opposition player gave them eyeballs.

“Millwall would be laughing at us if they saw that rubbish,” Clary added. “If David Moyes can’t organise a team to surround the referee while our subs bench rushes the other team’s goalie, he’s no business being West Ham manager.”

Please note: This satirical news story is not real. Like, clearly.

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