Tottenham boss Mauricio Pochettino is plotting to sign the shattered fragments of Giuseppe Rossi and patch them together in his spare time, FourFourTwo understands.
Rossi is available free on collection to a good home, and has attracted interest from hobbyists and aficionados of memorabilia from the early-2000s.
But insider reports suggest that Pochettino has already cleared a Sunday afternoon in his diary to drive up to Manchester and shovel the component parts of Rossi into the back of a transit van.
“I can’t deny that I’m interested in the challenge of renovating [Giuseppe Rossi],” Pochettino told FourFourTwo.
“To get a striker like this in mint condition would cost a fortune, and here’s the chance to pick it up for nothing.
“Of course it’s a long road to getting him back working again, but I like having a project.
“I can imagine coming home in the evening and sitting down with a glass of wine and attempting to solder [Rossi’s] gastrocnemius to [Rossi’s] Achilles tendon. He’s basically a human jigsaw puzzle.
“Imagine the satisfaction when he runs out as an 86th-minute sub in the late stages of a cup match. At least until he starts holding his thigh.”
Alternative uses
There is speculation that should Rossi be beyond repair, he could at least be stripped for parts for other players.
“Obviously there are moral considerations because technically it [Giuseppe Rossi] still has feelings and emotions, but I think it’d just want to give 100 per cent to the team even if it meant having his femur harvested for a youth player,” Pochettino insisted.
“It’s not like we’d be chopping off his head... unless a situation arose where someone like Kieran Trippier needed a replacement.”
Pochettino is expected to make further enquiries this week, specifically ensuring that Rossi’s right knee – which is listed as ‘used with some wear’ – is in one piece.
“The most annoying thing would be to spend loads of time on it [Rossi], crafting this seemingly world-class striker, and then find his right knee is irrevocably broken,” Pochettino laughed.
“God, that’d be a nightmare.”
This literally doesn’t even need a disclaimer.
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