Video Stars: Goals and gaffes of the week
...in which Sam Smith rounds up the weeks' best goals and gaffes from the likes of Liverpool, Arsenal, Barcelona, Inter Milan, Everton, Leeds, Accrington Stanley and North Queensland Fury...
Welcome, fellow brothers and sisters of football goals and gaffes, to the church of Video Stars Ã¢ÂÂ a veritable pantheon of football worship.
Our missionaries have searched the world to deliver the best and worst football action Ã¢ÂÂ from heavenly strikes to sinful clangers Ã¢ÂÂ all for your delectation.
So pull up a pew as we praise the good, honour the exceptional and give thanks for the laughable in our review of the best, and worst, of all the football gods have offered this week.
We will kick off the order of service with a couple of cracking own goals Ã¢ÂÂ proof, were it needed, that football works in mysterious ways.
OGGY OGGY OGGY
Lyon followed up their Champions League victory over Liverpool by getting thumped 4-1 away to Nice Ã¢ÂÂ Aly Cissokho diverting the ball past a hapless Remi Vercoutre for NiceÃ¢ÂÂs second.
Who fancies seeing someone wildly slice into his own net (at 1m 13s) to give Charlton the lead against Gillingham?
And who wants to write the pun on the name of the unfortunate participant, John Nutter?
Keep the faith, the top six goals of the week are coming up, but first, take a look at the glorious efforts that didnÃ¢ÂÂt quite make the cut.
First, a match made in heaven over in Ligue 1, as Rennes notched up two scorchers in a 3-0 dismantling of Montpellier.
Sylvain Marveaux scores the first, expertly cutting inside a defender before curling home.
And Asamoah Gyan larrups home the third deep into added time, with a brilliantly angled top-corner lasher.
More evidence of lightning striking twice in France: Monaco beat Boulogne 3-1 thanks to Brazilian midfielder Nene, who whips home this left-footed free-kick before curling in an almost identical second.
Honestly, youÃ¢ÂÂre not watching the same clip twice.
While we're on set-pieces, Hamburg's Piotr Trochowksi leaves the Schalke goalkeeper no chance with this 30-yard smasher in the 3-3 Bundesliga draw.
And InterÃ¢ÂÂs Wesley Sneijder adroitly sends home a similar effort in the 2-1 victory over Catania.
SERIE AAAAARGH!: Inter miss their marvellous munchkin
Remember Thierry Henry's controversial quick free-kick at Villa Park?
Robbie Fowler obviously does, scoring North QueenslandÃ¢ÂÂs equaliser against Perth Glory (sic). A bit of divine inspiration from the man some Scousers still call God.
Back home, Darren AmbroseÃ¢ÂÂs powerful free-kick for Crystal Palace (at 42s) against Nottingham Forest is made all the more impressive thanks to Lee CampÃ¢ÂÂs desperate, but ultimately futile, dive. One for the cameras.
Morten Gamst Pedersen closes this chapter on textbook free-kicks, helping flu-stricken Blackburn to Carling Cup victory over 10-man Peterborough with this cracker (at 19s).
To la Liga, and Valladolid's fourth against previously-good Deportivo La Coruna.
Haris Medunjanin completes the rout with a sublime lobbed finish from 25 yards as Valladolid secured a first home win of the campaign.
Back in Blighty's lower leagues, Notts County's Craig Westcarr bags one for the scrapbook with this incisive run and powerful drive (at 1m53s).
Michael Symes cracks home a sweet dipping volley for Accrington Stanley at Rochdale (at 1m27s) and Jermaine BeckfordÃ¢ÂÂs bamboozling step-over and neat finish help Leeds on their way to a four-nil romp at Bristol Rovers (at 1m).
Tottenham's Tom Huddlestone can hit a ball, as Everton find out in the Carling Cup when he arrives to smash home David BentleyÃ¢ÂÂs cross with a smashing left-footed volley (at 57s).
Across north London, Arsenal's Fran Merida announced himself with a smashing goal against Liverpool.
Back in the league, Fernando Torres puts Manchester United to the sword by accepting Yossi Benayoun's exquisite through-ball, holds off Rio Ferdinand and thumps the ball inside Edwin van der SarÃ¢ÂÂs near post.
Another on-fire Merseyside striker is Everton's Louis Saha, who blasts a spectacular rising 25-yarder past Bolton's Jussi Jaaskelainen from 25 yards (at 2m30s).
One more before the big boys: who doesn't love a 20-yard header?
Here's one from PortoÃ¢ÂÂs Mariano Gonzalez. And the opportunistic striker claiming he got a touch can go to hell.
GOALS OF THE WEEK
Patience is a virtue, and Video Stars will reward you with this manna from heaven, the six best goals of the week.
Christian Eichner (Hoffenheim) vs Nurnberg
A long-range left-foot piledriver. Wallop! Watch it here
Pablo Hernandez (Valencia) vs Almeria
Forty yards out, Valencia midfielder spots the keeper off his line. You know what happens next. Watch it here
Ibrahimovic (Barcelona) vs Real Zaragoza
A thunderously unstoppable free-kick from 30-odd of your Camp Nou yards. Boom!
Watch it here
Emiliano Insua (Liverpool) vs Arsenal
Not your typical left-back's goal: a 25-yard dipping volley. Whoosh! Watch it here
Daniele Mannini (Sampdoria) vs Bologna
Thunderous first-time mid-air volley from a team-mate's flick-up. Larrup! Watch it here
Leo Messi (Barcelona) vs Real Zaragoza
Beautiful BarÃÂ§a build up capped by exquisitely deft Messi finish. (We'll use that phrase again at some point.) Watch it here
And now, the divine comedy.
If your faith in your own football ability is waning, rejoice in these howlers and be grateful that even the professionals can get it very, very wrong.
Getting us underway in Italy, Sampdoria demonstrate once again that while they can attack, they really canÃ¢ÂÂt defend, dropping this clanger in a 4-1 victory over Bologna.
Watch as the Blucerchiati defender is too busy waving his hand in the air to judge his header, nodding down perfectly for a Pablo Osvaldo consolation.
To Portugal now with Braga, who dropped their first points thanks to this defensive blunder, surrendering possession on the halfway line and watching helplessly as Rio Ave capitalise with a beautiful chip.
Staying in the Portuguese Liga, take a look at Setubal's Luis Carlos somehow missing an open goal, blazing the ball against the bar from inside the six-yard box in the 1-0 win over Leixoes.
Skip on to 38secs for some classic Mediterranean managerial overreaction.
Back in Serie A, and like all the great strike partnerships, Atalanta's Simone Tiribocchi and Cristiano Doni are clearly singing from the same hymn sheet, as they both somehow contrive to miss absolute sitters in the same move during their 3-1 win over Parma.
And finally, in case you didn't see it on Monday in the Videos: Editor's Picks section at the bottom of the FourFourTwo.com homepage (hint, hint)...
...watch as Dragan Stojkovic, coach of Japanese side Nagoya Grampus, creates his own Video Stars category Ã¢ÂÂ not really a goal, not really a gaffe Ã¢ÂÂ by belting in this stunning volley from the bench, only to be sent to the stands for having a crack.
The football lords giveth and the football lords taketh away.