Bienvenue, benvenuto and willkommen to this weekâÂÂs Video Stars, an intercontinental, cosmopolitan and multicultural haven for all things football.
From Porto to Peterborough and Moscow to Melbourne, the world of football has been condensed into a microcosm of the best goals, clangers and oggies for your entertainment.
And if football really is a global language, we think itâÂÂs time to introduce some new vernacular into the beautiful gameâÂÂs vocabulary.
Yes readers, as much as we love some old-fashioned footy slang, this week, Video Stars is getting all progressive, dare we even say radical.
So for every gaffe, larrup and cracker, see if you can spot the new lingo being launched, fresh-legs style, into the gameâÂÂs lightweight lexicon.
With the weekâÂÂs top six goals to come, we will once again ease you in with some own goal action.
OGGY OGGY OGGY!
EvertonâÂÂs Tony Hibbert must have been a centre-forward as a kid. The Blues defender shows great predatory instincts to spot Junior Stanislasâ clipped effort hasnâÂÂt quite got the legs to cross the line, and (at 28s) dutifully clouts the ball into his own net to nab West Ham a consolation in a 2-1 defeat. Cue an Upton Park eruption.
Over in Italy, AC MilanâÂÂs Thiago Silva demonstrates similar dexterity, or should we say comparable clumsiness, to divert Mauro Zarate's tame effort with this adroit side-footed knobbler in the 2-1 victory over Lazio.
To Porto, and defender Rolando has honed his own-goal skills to such an extent that he can disguise this beautiful looping effort against Maritimo as a wild, botched clearance. ThatâÂÂs his third of the season past Brazilian goalkeeper Helton â shame they play on the same side really.
Some JohnstoneâÂÂs Paint Trophy action now, as GrimsbyâÂÂs Olly Lancashiredrops a real dumpling by turning Max Gradel's cross into his own net (at 10secs) to set Leeds on their way to victory.
And last, but by no means least, an own goal from a game in Ligue 1 which merits a blog in itself.
After an almighty goalmouth melee, LyonâÂÂs Jeremy Toulalangets the final touch to make it Lyon 5-5 Marseille â as you do.
It is perhaps of little surprise that LyonâÂÂs 10-goal thriller is something of a clip-hog in this weekâÂÂs Video Stars, gracing, as it does, every section of the blog.
But if you want to watch the highlights of this titanic encounter in full, you can find them on FourFourTwo.com.
GOL!
Time for some goals at the right end of pitch now. And folks, these are as good as the last ones were bad â so enjoy.
A little-known Brazilian called Kaka, playing for a small club in the Spanish capital, beams this laser bolt from 25 yards to score RealâÂÂs first in a 3-2 derby win over Atletico. One to look out for, that boy. Remember, you heard it here last.
Staying in La Liga, and yet another Brazilian (not bad up front, those Brazilians). In a goal of real craft, SevillaâÂÂs Luis Fabianoplucks the ball from midair, cushions it beautifully and prods home to set his side on their way to victory over Villarreal.
In the same game, Robert Pires, who is still turning in stellar performances at the ripe old age of 73 (stat not verified), ripens this peach of a one-two with a fine volleyed strike to draw Villareal level. Vintage stuff.
If you like your goals more devastating than deft, watch at 6m 10s as TottenhamâÂÂs Tom Huddlestonesends this howitzer crashing in off the bar in Spursâ 2-0 win over Sunderland.
Or take a look at MotherwellâÂÂs Jamie Murphy hammering the hexagons for Motherwell against Hamilton, with this 25-yard thud at 2m 45s.
Over in Ligue 1, and another video from the clip-fest that was Lyon v Marseille, as Miralem Pjanic remains calm (panic is only a âÂÂjâ away) under pressure to pick up the loose ball and biff this beauty past Steve Mandanda, for, as Paxman would say, the starter for 10.
A rare headed stunner for you now, as RomaâÂÂs Mirko Vucinic leaps to meet the alliterative Marco Motta's lofted ball, before skulling home this looper just inside Julio Cesar's post to make it 1-0 against Lazio.
To Spain again, as Zlatan Ibrahimovic's sublime back-heeled pass sets up Pedro for BarcaâÂÂs first in the 4-2 victory over Mallorca.
While in Blighty, at 3m 45s, HullâÂÂs Seyi OlofinjanaâÂÂs similarly quick feet help him evade two Stoke players before rupturing the ball past Thomas Sorensen from the edge of the area.
Manchester United fans might be keen to watch on loan Danny Simpson cut inside from the right and curl home this left footed, top corner cracker to send managerless Peterborough to a 3-1 defeat against Newcastle (at 1m 13s).
And back across the border, AberdeenâÂÂs Sone Aluko finishes off a rapid counter-attacking move in some style at 45s, dodging two St. Johnstone defenders before sticking it past Graeme Smith.
Fresh from last weekâÂÂs Video Stars exploits, that man Toni Kroos is back again.
Owned by Bayern Munich but playing for Leverkusen, the young German scored the third in a 12-minute smash and grab period against Frankfurt, pouncing on a rebound before bludgeoning home from just outside the box.
More from the St. JohnstoneâÂÂs Paint Trophy, as Peter Sweeney (am I the only one hearing the theme music?) lamps a consolation for Grimsby in the 3-1 defeat to Leeds, smacking this quarter-pounder of a volley into the net at 52s. Shut it!
A little dipper from ScunthorpeâÂÂs Paul Hayes, who collects Grant McCannâÂÂs pass and clips this biffer over BlackpoolâÂÂs Matt Gilks (at 41s).
And lastly, Aaron Wilbraham does his best Marco van Basten impression for the MK Dons against Northampton, swivelling in the area and battering the ball-bearings out of this one, on the volley, from a tight (but donâÂÂt worry Marco â not that tight) angle.
GOALS OF THE WEEK!
As a moustached Tom Skerritt once introduced a young Tom Cruise, here are the elite, the bests of the best.
Top Gun references aside, these are the top six goals of the week, as ever, in alphabetical order.
Good Lord! Look at size of Aleksandr BukharovâÂÂs massive lob for Rubin Kazan against CSKA Moscow. PAR AVION!
Azak Boukari turns a defender inside out before belting home Lensâ second in the 2-1 victory over Sochaux. KAPOW!
Jonas Guttierez has the runs for Newcastle, setting out from inside his own half on a lovely little maze up before firing home against Peterborough (at 25s). SPURT!
ItâÂÂs that game again. LyonâÂÂs Sydney Govou scores the tieâÂÂs 409th goal (again, stat not verified) against Marseille with this sensational run and rifled shot. WHOOSH!
Perth Glory midfielder Wayne Shrojspanks home this well worked, 30-yard free-kick against Wellington Phoenix. BONZA!
And Yves Desmarets scores arguably the goal of the week for Vitoria over rivals Braga. What more can we say? Just watch it for yourself. LARRUP!
OOPS!
Come and ogle shamelessly at some hilarious boobs and look on in horror at these almighty c**k-ups. All football related â of course.
Oops â itâÂÂs probably what the internet was invented for.
AtleticoâÂÂs Luis Perea may soon be seen lining MadridâÂÂs streets as one of those moving statues, such was his immobile showing against city rivals Real. Watch the Colombian standing (not so) strong against Gonzalo Higuian, who has a free run Sergio AsenjoâÂÂs goal for RealâÂÂs third.
Defender Rostyn Griffiths appears to be fusing Irish dancing with an impression of a leaping salmon as he soars, rigid-limbed, skywards, only to divert the ball into the path of Newcastle Jetsâ Michael Bridges, who fails to punish the North Queensland manâÂÂs clanger
More comedy A-League defending now, as two Brisbane Roar players fail to deal with a long ball, allowing AdelaideâÂÂs Sergio Van Dyke through. The altruistic Brisbane back-line doesnâÂÂt stop there, reigniting the chance when it looked to have been snuffed out, as a third defender does just enough with one his many flailing limbs to lay the ball off to Mitch Nicholls, who tonks home in off the bar.
The lino wasnâÂÂt so generous though, failing to spot the ball had gone over the line. Good work all round, fellas.
In a game that finished 5-5, there was bound to be some dodgy goalkeeping somewhere along the line. Watch here as LyonâÂÂs Hugo Lloris is inexplicably sent sprawling by Benoit CheyrouâÂÂs powerful, but distinctly saveable plunger for MarseilleâÂÂs 104th equaliser, give or take.
ScunthorpeâÂÂs goalkeeper, Joe Murphy, fancies a quick game of rush goalies to celebrate his 250th league appearance, and makes a cracking save at 1m 03s, but is unfortunately nowhere near his penalty area when he does. Get your red card out, ref.
And finally, what gives us footy fans more joy than watching a manager go down like a sack of custard?
Have a chuckle at poor old Hamilton Accies coach Billy Reid, who tries to celebrate his sideâÂÂs goal by swinging on the dugout roof, which promptly collapses.
Reid, of course, stacks it, to the evident glee of a grinning sub. Perfect.
Written by Sam Smith. Send goal/gaffe suggestions to gary.parkinson@haymarket.com or our Twitter feed.
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