Rob Beckett admits he should have been a Crystal Palace fan – but a love of Ian Wright rather skewed things.
Most recently, the comedian has been a star of The Traitors alongside friend Romesh Ranganathan as a member of the faithful.
But back in 2021, Beckett spoke to FourFourTwo exclusively about his life following the Gunners…
Rob Beckett: 'I’d do laughing gas with Grealish!'
What was the first game you ever attended?
Tottenham vs Arsenal in the early ’90s – it was 0-0 and there were loads of fights. We were south London – I should be a Palace fan, really. But I just loved Ian Wright, so I started watching Arsenal. I’m an Ian Wright fan first and an Arsenal fan second. I feel quite guilty – I mean, I did have a season ticket for a few years, but I feel semi-ashamed because I should be Palace or Millwall. I don’t get too upset about it like other fans either – give me 10 minutes after a defeat and I don’t care. You can’t get in trouble for switching to a worse team, can you?
Is Wrighty your favourite footballer ever, then?
Always! He was from near me in south London – he looked like he enjoyed it whenever he played; he was a bit dirty and would have a fight. He’d kick Peter Schmeichel and I loved all that – like when Martin Keown smacked Ruud van Nistelrooy on the head. I reckon I should have watched boxing instead really, because I hate it when people say that having a scrap in football is disrespectful and it’s such a shame – no, it’s f**king brilliant. I’d love for football to be a bit more like ice hockey: imagine how good it would be if Roy Keane and Patrick Vieira could just have a two-minute scrap and have it out properly.
Have you got to meet many of your footballing heroes?
Well, I got to meet Wrighty when I did a radio show, and I was crap because I was so nervous. Then I saw him in the street. He just shouted, “Oi, what’s happening?” and gave me a cuddle. I was like, ‘Oh my god, he knows who I am!’ Then I started working with him on Absolute Radio and it’s so weird: they say don’t meet your heroes, but it should be ‘don’t meet your heroes unless your hero is Ian Wright’. Definitely meet him – he’s more than you can ever imagine.
It was quite funny, because I’d start to get annoyed with him whenever he turned up late. I’d be sat there thinking, ‘For f**k’s sake, mate’. A few years ago, I’d have been desperate to meet him, and now I’m getting the hump because he’s turning up to work late. But he’s a lovely bloke. I was at a hotel with my wife once for our anniversary, and Wrighty was there with his wife. He sent us over a bottle of champagne when my wife didn’t actually get me anything that year. I got an anniversary present from Ian Wright instead of my wife...
Do you get to Arsenal much?
Nah, I had to give up my season ticket. Between having kids and touring, I very rarely go. I see those guys who sing “over land and sea” and think, ‘What the f**k’s happening in your home life?’ You know that lot?
It’s a waste of a life, I’ve got to be honest. I think you can be too committed as a fan – you really need a balance in your life.
I had to give up my season ticket… I think you can be too committed as a fan
Rob Beckett
What’s the greatest goal you’ve ever seen live?
I saw Aki Riihilahti score from about 35 yards for Palace, and was directly behind it. I must have been young, but I saw it bend – it wasn’t the best goal ever, but position-wise I couldn’t have been any better. It probably wasn’t even that good, but in my head it was unbelievable. It was the first proper long-range goal I’d seen!
What’s the funniest thing you’ve ever seen or heard at a game?
Lloyd Griffith [fellow comedian, once of these pages] dropping his phone into a toilet at half-time during the Euros final at Wembley. You know when something happens and you just explode?
Who’s the one footballer you’d love to take on a night out?
I bumped into Paul Robinson while on a massive bender in Edinburgh, when he played for Blackburn. He came out on the piss – I’m not sure if he’s calmed down, though. He just came to see my show up there. He once got smuggled into Arsenal for a meeting with Arsene Wenger apparently, but Wenger didn’t want him and signed Richard Wright instead. Great decision.
There’s Jimmy Bullard, too – he’s brilliant but he can be too much. So it just depends on how big this night out is going to be. But someone I’ve not been out with is Jack Grealish. I’d love to have a drink with him, because everyone loves Jack Grealish now, don’t they? Phil Foden is great too, and I love Emile Smith Rowe and Bukayo Saka, but they’re only kids. You need someone who’s had a bit of a life – you know, some headcase from the Championship. But no, I’d do laughing gas with Grealish.
Which player would you choose as your room-mate?
Someone really little, I’d imagine. Andrey Arshavin – really small, really quiet. Would probably rather be in Russia. The smallest player who’s ever played football, I’d say.
I bumped into Paul Robinson while on a massive bender in Edinburgh: he came out on the piss
Rob Beckett
Which player do you like even though they never played for your club?
That’s two-fold. We could have had someone like [Didier] Drogba upfront with Thierry Henry. But do I want to weaken another team or just make Arsenal great? I’m overthinking this now! I think either Ronaldinho or fat Ronaldo. It’s awful that he’s just become ‘fat Ronaldo’ now, isn’t it?
Who from your club’s past would you bring back for the current side?
At their peak? In this team it has to be a centre-back or defensive midfielder, so if I could have a young Tony Adams coming through at 20 now, and you know you’re getting 15-20 years of him at the back, that would be great. I’d say either Adams or Patrick Vieira. We’re all right with our attackers at the moment, but we need a leader to help us out a bit.
Who’s your current favourite player?
I really like Smith Rowe. I think he’s brilliant – especially after the North London Derby [where he scored one, assisted one and won the man of the match award].
If you could drop yourself into your all-time five-a-side team, who would you be playing alongside?
I’ve got to go with David Seaman in goal. There may be better goalkeepers, but he’s so lovely – you’ve got to think about morale. I’d have Patrick Vieira in the middle. Thierry Henry upfront, of course. And then… f**k it, I’ll go Dennis Bergkamp as well. Just because then I’ll really enjoy it – I’ll just be playing with a load of club legends.
But then I’ve not got Ian Wright, have I? Right, get rid of Henry and stick Wrighty in there for the banter. I’ll just stay at the back with Dave…
