The Big-Boned Premier League Preview - Round 10

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Huw Davies is back with more inevitably inaccurate indications...

All right, so the predictions last week weren't top. Three out of 10, we can agree, is not a good start to this thing.

This week we're a lot more confident â as should you be, if you're a Manchester United fan.

The only better time to play Liverpool would be 22 years ago â or alternatively, in the middle of a highly localised Merseyside plague.

Steve Bruce comes up against his old side, who are eager to get some bloody points on the board. Five losses in their last six games leaves the Blues sitting unhappily in 17th, waiting for January's transfer window like a fat kid for the dinner bell.

They'll be boosted by Sunderland having no Lee Cattermole, ruled out for three months after a knee ligament injury in the win over Liverpool, but can they withstand the '70s cop pairing of Bent 'n' Jones?

This laughable 'pundit' thinks not.

What won't happen: A Birmingham win

What will happen: Carson Yeung to start wondering what he's got himself in for

Having lost to Blackburn last week, Burnley have another stab at a Lancashire derby in entertaining â in the loosest possible sense of the word â Roberto Martinez's Wigan.

They'll fare better this time round, improving that woeful -10 goal difference â worse than all bar Hull's, and yet they're in the top half of the table.

What won't happen: Kirkland to stay injury-free for three days

Chelsea may have been rocked by the defeat to Aston Villa but the 4-0 thrashing of Atletico Madrid shows they don't 'do' panic.

Blackburn will tough it out for a good hour, but it's Chelsea's game over 90 minutes. Signed, sealed, delivered â it's theirs.

See, even Stevie Wonder agrees, and having never seen them play, he's a Rovers fan.

What won't happen: Big Sam to demand total football from his players at half-time

What won't happen: Paul Hart to tie Arune Dindane to a stake and burn him alive

What will happen: They become sorely tempted to after he misses two more sitters â but Pompey grab a much-needed draw with both blistered hands

His response? "I need the weight because my main strength is my power."

"I'm big-boned, guv! It's me glands!"

What won't happen: Fuller to collapse through a lack of feeding

What will happen: Stoke's strikers to collapse through a lack of feeding from the midfield. Spurs win, but not before Jermain Defoe runs on the pitch to put in the most pathetic stamp known to man. If you're going to get sent off do it properly, you big girl

Villa have not conceded a headed goal this season. They have the best defensive record in any English league after Leeds. Greg Halford will play his 250th game for Wolves. Martin O'Neill has two middle names.

All of these things are more interesting than Villa's 1-0 win at Molineux.

What won't happen: John Carew to score. Ever

What will happen: O'Neill to beat McCarthy in the battle of Northern vs Southern Ireland

A midweek thrashing at Benfica will do nothing to help the Toffees' confidence, and neither will a ground-out draw at Bolton.

Draws with Stoke, Wolves and now Bolton â Moyes needs his players back.

What won't happen: All of those players to recover by next week

What won't happen: David N'Gog to give up football and do something useful with his life

What won't happen: City to dominate from start to finish and run out 5-0 victors

What will happen: Hodgson's men to cause the upset of the month. No, really

It's still hard for some â including your correspondent â to fathom how West Ham find themselves in the relegation zone, but this game certainly won't help.

Plenty would love to see Arsenal lose this, but it's just not going to happen.

That said, the way these predictions went last week, you're best off betting on the exact opposite to what we say.

What won't happen: The Hammers to record their first win since the opening day of the season

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