The Electric-Eel-Offending Premier Predictions

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Weekend fixtures: Arsenal vs Stoke City, Aston Villa vs Hull City, Blackburn Rovers vs Liverpool, Manchester City vs Chelsea, Portsmouth vs Burnley, West Ham United vs Manchester United, Wigan Athletic vs Birmingham City, Wolves vs Bolton Wanderers, Everton vs Tottenham Hotspur, Fulham vs Sunderland.

Wake up, 'Arry!

Don't worry, the cups are over for a while â back to your favourite competition, the good old money-spinning Premier League.

One thing before we knuckle down to the predictions â don't forget to keep up with the live World Cup draw here on FourFourTwo.com (if it hasn't already happened by the time you're reading this).

And if it has already happened by the time you're reading this â what about that World Cup draw, eh?

How (un)lucky were England? Did you see that bit when Robbie Keane ran on stage and used the French ball to choke Charlize Theron? 

One ankle injury and the Gooners have transformed from a team that had scored in every match into a team that hasn't netted in three domestic games.

No longer are they knocking them in for fun, and Arsene Wenger has reacted in typically mature fashion by refusing to shake Mark Hughes' hand after Manchester City's 3-0 cup win midweek.

Sparky's let bygones be bygones, though, saying he'll happily shake Wenger's hand in the future (but only if he's wiped his arse with it first).

What won't happen: Arsene Wenger to grow up?

What will happen: Quite a tough one to call, this, since Arsenal's goals dried up in VP's absence. The Potters to record a deserving draw

Jimmy Bullard's goal celebration last week â sitting the players down in a circle and telling them off â was one of the best football's ever seen, but sadly Phil Brown had to go and ruin it.

Yes, I just compared Phil Brown to the leader of the British National Party. I really, really don't like him.

What won't happen: Me. To stop hating. Phil Brown. Ever

Rovers haven't hit the net in more than three hours of Premier League football, but a triple against Chelsea in midweek will have settled nerves of a drought.

A match against Liverpool isn't an ideal way for Big Sam to recover from heart surgery, but he should be fine as long as Ngog's playing.

Did you know his name is French for 'Why On Earth Is This Man Playing Football?'

What won't happen: Liverpool fans to sing Diouf's praises every time he gets the ball

What will happen: Reds ram-raid Rovers â 2-0 away win

It's the big one! The Blues vs the Light Blues â light blue touch paper and retire because THIS cracker is going to go off!

There, that's the excitement out of the way.

These teams have both beaten Arsenal 3-0 in the past seven days, giving them something in common beyond Eastern oligarchs throwing money at them, maniacally giggling, "Dance, dance."

The difference is that Chelsea's win mattered.

But can Manchester City grab a win to avoid eight â EIGHT â league draws in a row?

What won't happen: Wayne Bridge to make Chelsea fans think: "We sold the wrong left-back."

What will happen: City's seven-match drawing streak to come to an end... with defeat

Pompey's players need paying.

For the second time this season they're being made to wait impatiently for their pay cheques.

Still, they'll be all right if any of them have a goal bonus in their contract.

This weekend they face Burnley, whose Odysseus-esque travails on their travels (no wins, one draw, six defeats) continued when they gave struggling West Ham a 5-0 headstart.
 
The Hammers got bored and made a game of it towards the end, but all credit to Chris Eagles and Steven Fletcher â who gave up a hat-trick to provide an assist â for taking the chances.

It'll be good practice for this week.

What won't happen: The Portsmouth players to stage a sit-in protest on the pitch, refusing to get up and play until they're paid. Burnley, with an 11-man advantage, lose 4-0.

What will happen: Goals. The Pomp are bottom and Burnley have conceded 25 goals in seven away games. My Monopoly money's on a 2-2 draw.

In the agents fees' league table, Fergie's lot were near the cheap end at the bottom (Stoke and Burnley deserve credit too, for having good seasons while spending less than anyone else).

But never mind, because they've located the net at last, scoring five against Burnley last week (let's forget the defence for a minute eâ they did).

What won't happen: Darron Gibson to captain Ireland to World Cup glory (if they're not going to stop talking about it, I don't see why I should)

What will happen: Roger Federer to complete a Gillette embarrassment hat-trick by admitting he's addicted to crystal meth. Oh, in the football? Away win.

Two teams I wasn't expecting to see in mid-table meet to congratulate each other on their success.

The Blues haven't lost in six matches, and that was away at the Emirates, while Wigan's victory over Sunderland put me out of pocket and them five points clear of the relegation zone.

It's mightily close, though: with three teams level on 17 points, Wigan would love a win to leapfrog Brum and move closer towards safety.

What won't happen: Roberto Martinez to envy Alex McLeish's injury list â while Wigan are crock-free, Brum are without Messrs Johnson, Parnaby, Tainio, Murphy, Taylor and O'Connor

What will happen: Wigan's post-'Arrypocalypse rebuilding to continue with a hard-fought win

Team news: they're both rubbish.

What won't happen: Michael Kightly to make the field any time soon (eight weeks, to be precise)

What will happen: The six-pointer compass to point Wolves' way for once

'Arry needs to make a point here â or rather, three.

In the past Spurs would have been happy with a draw at Goodison, but now they're showing the big boys they mean business â and now the Toffees are 16th â this has to be a win.

What won't happen: A better Yobo pun all year (because there's not long left)

Doesn't stop the FA disagreeing, though.

What won't happen: Sunderland's long, long trip to be completely wasted

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Huw Davies

Huw was on the FourFourTwo staff from 2009 to 2015, ultimately as the magazine's Managing Editor, before becoming a freelancer and moving to Wales. As a writer, editor and tragic statto, he still contributes regularly to FFT in print and online, though as a match-going #WalesAway fan, he left a small chunk of his brain on one of many bus journeys across France in 2016.