Manchester United ‘never fancied Griezmann anyway’

Griezmann

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Manchester United have denied ever wanting to sign Antoine Griezmann after learning that he did not want to move to Old Trafford.

United were understood to be in negotiations with Atletico Madrid over Griezmann, but have now distanced themselves from the 26-year old, insisting that his eyebrows are weird and his chin the wrong shape.

He’s just some random guy who’s not even that good at cutting inside and laying the ball off to the main striker

“We never wanted him, it was just gossip by sad losers who probably wanted him for themselves,” said club vice-chairman Ed Woodward, searching his browsing history for ‘Griezmann’ and deleting all the matches.

“I don’t even see what all the fuss is about,” he added, un-liking Griezmann’s Facebook fan page and blocking him on Twitter. “He’s just some random guy who’s not even that good at cutting inside and laying the ball off to the main striker.

Ed Woodward

That better not be Griezmann phoning to say he's changed his mind... I'd be so, so, so annoyed

“I wasn’t texting his agent every day for four months, you were,” he continued, while sharing furious messages with other sympathetic executives on WhatsApp.

“He’s massively overpriced and untested at the highest level and injury prone,” the 45-year old said while visibly choking back tears, “And anyway we don’t even need him because we’ve got Anthony [Martial] and Zlatan [Ibrahimovic] and Jesse [Lingard] are better.

“Don’t make that face, Jesse is too better.”

Manchester United were also linked with a move for Kylian Mbappe, but after the Monaco man rejected Woodward’s follow request on Instagram, the club confirmed that they were only trying to tell him how overrated he was.

Please note: This satirical news story is not real. Like, obviously.

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